HUMILITY: Perpetual quietness of heart.It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted, or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble. - Dr. Robert Smith (aka Dr. Bob)
I heard the above for the first time this evening. It really spoke to my heart, especially considering the week I've had!
My other illness, depression has had me in it's grip. No matter how much I wanted to get things done, I just couldn't muster the strength to do them. Along with the lack of energy, thoughts of worthlessness and utter failure plagued me. Despite the fact that I've been facing some really big issues that I've for too long ignored, I just couldn't see how far I've come in 150 days...
It crept up on me last week. In subtle way... It started when I fell into a habit of staying up too late, subsequently leading to getting up later each day. I just couldn't sleep and then I couldn't get out of bed once I'd fallen asleep. Then the thoughts of shame over my relapse began to overwhelm me. I got all twisted up over the things I lost as a result of it. All the pain of the losses began to suck me down like quicksand. It was one of the worst places I've been emotionally in recent memory...
What does all of this have to do with humility? For three days, I laid in bed not reaching out for help. Thinking it would all go away if I could just ignore it.Once again, I had fallen into to trap of my alcoholic thinking. Coupled with the depression it was just too much for me to deal with alone. It wasn't until I got to meeting and talked about the thoughts and feelings I'd been dealing with (that and meeting up with my sponsor) that I began practicing any form of humility. Once I shared the truth of my situation, the pain was reduced. Instead of turning to the bottle for relief, I reached out for help. This all led me back to my practice of prayer and meditation, that in doing so I found a respite.
Today, I met with my therapist. He helped me to reach out for medical help to additionally assist in dealing with the depression. Gratefully, the obsession to drink has been lifted. But if I hadn't humbled myself enough to ask for help, that might not have lasted.
From all of this I've learned just how important it is that I use humility to deal with my dual diagnosis. The gift is that I finally realize just how much help I have at my disposal! I no longer have to struggle alone!
