Left Unsaid...

            (The following is a letter I will never send to the woman who tore my heart to pieces)

Xxxx,
I'm writing this to get some things out of my head in hopes that I can finally rid myself of your ghost.
Although we are done and our paths will probably never cross, I need to express my feelings about how things ended with you and I.  What I  found out recently has left me wondering what was really going on towards the end.

It's quite clear you replaced me rather quickly. Which in itself was hurtful enough. But then I found out you went back to the guy you had dated before me. You know, the one who was crazy, controlling and not very supportive of you when you were sick in the hospital. Glad to to see you were "learning to take care of yourself" by going back to a situation that you painted as not very pleasant. Honestly I find it quite sad that you are so unhealthy that you'd go back to that guy instead of dealing with what you had walked away from with me on your own. No wonder you hadn't had time to contemplate what had happened! The fact that you would reach out to me after seeing me at work to tell me that it was really hard to see me. Then you went even further by telling me you thought of me and us whenever you looked at your tattoo. All the while you were already back with him. What makes matters worse is that you knew damn well I still had feelings for you and yet you toyed with me for a week until he left me a voicemail asking why I was contacting you when you told me not to. Nice touch on his part using an unidentified number by the way, otherwise I might have called him back and set him straight on why you and I were even communicating in the first place.  Not once did you even attempt to tell me you were back with him. I'm sorry, but that's effed up. I was already moving on when you did this. But then I left myself vulnerable again only for you to shred my heart even more...

When I look back over the chain of events that led up to our demise, I can't help but wonder if you weren't already seeing him before you finally ended things. Which begs the question, was it even mine? You started to become distant long before the "event" happened. I saw less and less of you in the last month we were together. And the last time we made love, it felt like you weren't even there...

I know life hasn't always been fair to you. But that is no excuse for treating people the way you did  me. You're a grown woman, yet you acted like a scared little girl in the end. I just don't understand how you could have told me you loved me one day, then completely shut me out of your life the next. Yes, what you went through was sad and traumatic. (I know it was for me as well) But for you to do what you did to me is beyond the pale.  I'm no saint. I realize I had a big part in all of this. But never in a million years would I ever consider treating someone the way you did. Especially someone who loved me deeply and would do anything for me.

I suppose you went back to him because it was safe. What I mean by that is that is what you are used to. Men who don't really give a damn about you. You once told me you couldn't believe that men like me existed. Maybe that was the problem, you fell in love with an idea of who you thought I was and not who I really am. It seems like as soon as there were cracks appearing in the veneer, the fantasy ended and you ran. I'm not perfect, never claimed to be. But I do know I once loved you with all of my heart and would have done anything for you. But for whatever reason, that wasn't good enough for you. Maybe it's because I didn't fit into your narrative of being a victim. You seem to play that card well...

As I go forward, I'm trying not to let what you did to me sour my hopes of ever finding someone to love. But sadly, I'm afraid I've grown more skeptical of people. I can't help but feel the same way about women as you did about men when we met...  However, there is always hope. It's just gonna take someone special and patient to coax me out of my protective shell.

Regards,
S.

One Door Closes...

When I walk out of the door of my current place of employment tomorrow at 3:30pm, it will mark the end of a chapter in my life that has been full of joy, frustration, sorry, anger and regret. My time there has been a growing experience. Especially over the past three months. During that time I found myself dealing with a lot of challenges, both personally and professionally. But it will all be worth it as I venture into a new opportunity. A brave new world is at hand.

Today as I look over the events that transpired over the past few months, I am finally gaining a sense of clarity, the breakup, the demotion, it all happened for a reason. These events conspired to set me up for the new opportunity that awaits me on Thursday. While I was going through it, I couldn't see that it was happening for a reason. I kept asking myself and God "Why is this happening? This isn't fair!" I was clinging to what I thought was best for me. A lesson that I should have learned by now, but my ego tends to get in the way and I "think" I know what is best for me. Of course, experience has yet again proven this to be a false notion. I suppose I would like to believe I will learn from this,chances are I'll still be kicking and screaming the next time. Although, I might be more willing to accept things as they unfold, but I'm sure I'll always fight the process to some degree...

What I have learned from all of this is that if I have just an ounce of willingness, ask for help when I'm struggling and reach out to help others, I will always come out the other side better for whatever struggle I might encounter. I'm so excited about what the future holds in store. Here's to the next adventure!