A New Day, A New Year

Happy New Year! I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that 2013 is here! 2012 was a real challenge... Even so, I acknowledge that regardless of how painfull last year was, it was all part if the lesson of life for me.

I'm excited for the possibilities that this new year holds. I just know that if I stay sober, all will work out.  Much gratitude for being sober this day.

Working Hard...

"A dream doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work."

Colin Powell

As the year comes to a close, I've been crafting a plan to pull myself out of the doldrums that have plagued me over this past year. Obviously the number one priority is to stay sober and continue to grow. Without sobriety, nothing is going to change.  The other big thing that has kept me down has been my financial situation, which has been adversely affected my quality of life, only to lead to drinking. 

One of the many great blessings is my job. I can work as much or as little as I care too. (The latter isn't such a great thing) So, in the new year, I'm gonna work a lot! If I follow through on my plan, I should be out of debt by mid-summer. This would be a huge accomplishment if I follow through!

The main reason I relapsed initially last year was due to financial stress. Money has always been an issue for me. I've always used it to regulate my feelings.  At the last rehab I discovered that impulse spending was a major event in my relapse mode. I've spent money on so much stuff just to escape how I was feeling, only to feel worse afterward, which of course spiraled into feelings of guilt and shame. Feelings that I had trouble talking about. The shame became so great that it compounded the depression that was feeding the actions to spend. All of which eventually led to my picking up the first drink...

It's time I changed this behavior. It's been a revolving door for as long as I care to remember. If I'm going to be successful in life, I need to master this part of me. I've been doing some goal setting as of late. I really want to achieve these goals! If I can attain financial stability, then a lot of good things can happen in my life! Things like travel, owning a place of my own, and most importantly, having a stable loving relationship with a woman. My lack of financial discipline has always been a major breaking point in all my relationships, that in time led me to drinking to escape... I'm done with it! I have a burning desire to succeed!   

Will this be easy? No, nothing worthwhile in life is ever really easy. I've been down this road of recovery enough times to know that it won't be easy. But the reward will be great if I'm willing to persevere. 

Longing

And I would search everywhere
Just to hear your call,
And walk upon stranger roads than this one
In a world I used to know before.
For now Ive lost everything,
I give to you my soul.
The meaning of all that I believed before
Escapes me in this world of none,
I miss you more.-Afterglow/Genesis

It's still so hard to let go... The lyrics above really capture my mood. So many faces, so many places to remind me...
The romantic in me just won't let the past go. It was such a good thing and I let it slip through my fingers...

Holi-daze

For only the second time in my career as a flight attendant, I'm spending Christmas Eve and day working a trip. This time it's by choice, last time I was too junior to hold it off. (many years ago)
So far it's going well. The people on the airplane have for the most part been very pleasant. It's been nice sharing complete stranger's excitement for the holiday. Especially the children! Right now, next to attending meetings, going to work has been keeping me sane.(I never have thought that before!)

Although this Christmas hasn't meant the same thing to me that it has in the past couple of years. I'm very grateful to be sober this year. When I look at where I was not that long ago, it's a miracle I'm alive and still have a job. While I miss spending this time of year with someone special, it's giving me an opportunity to reflect on where I've been, and where I want to go.

Pain is the touchstone of growth is what they say in the rooms. Well there ought to be an awful lot of growth coming my way! As I look towards the new year, I think of all the things I want to do in the coming year. Hopefully, this time next year, I'll be getting a tan on Bondi Beach. I'm planning on taking a trip to Australia for Christmas next year. It's going to be a reward to myself for staying sober. It's just one of many things I want to do in the coming year. It's time I get to spend some quality time with myself. Of course a lot of work needs to be done before that can happen. But I'm slowly getting more comfortable with the idea of being without a girlfriend. I need to be able to love myself, before I can love anyone else. In a way, I'm excited about what the next year will hold in store for me!

I hope everyone has a very merry holiday!
See you in the new year!

Far and Away

Feelings, they come and go, some days infrequently, others incessantly. It's been nearly a month since we parted ways, and my heart still aches... I do my best to carry on, yet the memories still linger. They say time heals all wounds. I'd like to believe this. But sometimes it doesn't seem be true.

Things are better, I'm not the basket case I was a month ago. But I still feel lonely. Sometimes I can't seem to wrap my mind around the idea that someone was so close at one time, is so far away now...

I accept full responsibility for the end of what at one time was so special. If I could turn back the clock I would change everything. But we don't get that chance in life. Besides, I had my chance, and I blew it...

The holidays just aren't the same without her. Life isn't the same for that matter. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss holding her in my arms. I miss us...

Getting By

Tonight was kinda strange. I went to my home group Christmas party. I felt strange there.

A year ago, I was in almost the same position. 60 plus days and announcing it at the meeting after the party. But this year I'm not feeling the holiday spirit. Mostly because this year I'm not spending it with anyone special. A year ago it wasn't that way...

I have a lot to be grateful for. I'm sober and alive. I still have friends and family that care and love me. Yet, I struggle with being without having someone to share intimate thoughts and feelings with.

I'm praying that the feelings will subside. That in the new year things will change for me.  So far things are getting better. It just that feelings of sadness for the loss of a loved one can be overwhelming.

I trust that God has a plan for me. But tonight I'm having a hard time...

Things Are Looking Up!

60 days today!  I've had a few things happen this week that helped me see that there are good things happening in my early recovery. Things are getting interesting! Here are the things that have happened...

One:  I met a fellow flight attendant from my company at a meeting and found out he lives nearby. It was really cool to find out I have someone else so close by that shares both recovery and the same career!

Second: A lady that I'm working with on the current trip I'm out on is also in recovery! We had a nice conversation about being sober on our DeadHead from Chicago to Buffalo.(Riding as a passenger,not working the flight) My sponsor pointed out this is God working in my life, that the fact that I was sitting next to another sober alcoholic at 33,000 ft was not a coincidence. I agree.

Third: Last night after we arrived in Ft. Myers and the passengers were deplaning. I had a real sense of love and compassion for everyone of those people as they left the aircraft. It was a moment of clarity for me. I realized that this is what it is all about,  love of others even if I don't know them.  I had a profound feeling of gratitude at that moment!

Fourth: Tonight as I was walking to a late night meeting here in Philadelphia, I stopped to take some pictures of the city hall and posted them on Facebook. When I arrived at the meeting, I checked my Facebook messages and I had a message from a friend who lives here. She told me she was in town and that there was a great meeting that we should meet at. It was the very place I was at! I called her and she met me there. It was a great meeting! I got to pick up my 60 day coin there. What a great way to end a day! I can't wait to come back!

So yes, things are looking up! Many blessings!

Growth

It's been nearly 60 days (58 to be exact) since I had my last drink. Hard to believe it's been that long. But, then again its been a slow going at times. So many mornings I've awakened to find myself in a feeling of panic. A feeling so strong its been a real challenge just get out of bed. Yet somehow, I've managed to put both feet on the floor and get up and get moving.

I'm still struggling with letting go of the things that I lost as a result of my relapse. The pain is so great that there are times I just want to crawl back to bed and hide under the covers. But I know that that'll get me nowhere fast. I've said to myself, "Nothing changes if nothing changes" so many times it's become a mantra. The good news is that I am changing. Slowly, maybe in minute ways, but If I look back on where I was 60 days ago, a month ago, or even a week ago, and I can see growth.  It hasn't been easy, but I have faith that as long as I keep moving forward, things will get better.

I wrestle with the fact that all of the pain and suffering I have endured is of my own making. I can't blame others for it. The decisions I made in the past were of a selfish nature. In the end I pushed all those who love me away, so it can hardly be a surprise when some of them said enough is enough. I try not to live in the past, what's done is done. Still, I find myself asking myself "Why couldn't you see it then?" Thank goodness for others in my life that remind me that my higher power has a plan for me. That if I trust in the process, this will all make sense someday.

I'm working hard at learning to forgive myself, to love myself, despite what my negative thoughts are.  Today I saw my therapist today and he helped me see some things about myself that explain why I'm so hard on myself,  why I haven't been able to truly "let someone in." The thing that I that I crave is to be loved, yet I don't allow it to happen.  There is a deep seeded belief within that refuses to recognize that I am a good man, that I deserve good things, that I deserve love. No matter what others tell me, I've always brushed it aside. Well, from this point forward I'm going to "savor" (my therapist word)  positive things that others say to me.  It was explained that my ability to internalize positive messages is like a muscle that needs to be exorcised.  Mine has atrophied for too long. Time to take it to the gym and build it up!  So this week I'll take in the good, ignore the bad, and continue to grow!

Moving On...

I think I've finally reached a place where I can move on from the past. I've been clinging so tightly to something that just wasn't meant to be...

Letting go of the past can be very painful, but I believe in the end, once we do so, we can go onto better things. Relationships in particular are very hard to let go of. Something I've been struggling with a lot lately. But it's time to move on. If I don't, I'll never move forward...

I know that in time things will feel better, and that I'll feel better. But for now, I'm just taking everything a day at a time.

Staying Connected- I Can't Do This Alone

Today I was reminded of why it is so important for me to stay in touch with others in recovery. I woke up with a deep sense of impending doom this morning, that resulted in my not getting out of bed until much later than I intended. Once I got up, I did my usual morning ritual of prayer and meditation, yet I felt disconnected. Finally, it dawned on me that perhaps it might be good to make some phone calls to a few friends. Initially, I got only voicemail, but I left a couple of messages. Finally a friend returned a call. The content of the conversation wasn't what mattered, but the feeling of knowing that someone else out there understood how I felt made the feeling of isolation dissipate.

After speaking with my friend I had a renewed feeling of hope, which led me to attend two meetings back to back this evening. While waiting at Starbucks before the first meeting I ran into a friend that I really respect. We had a nice conversation as we walked to the meeting. Again the feelings of loneliness subsided. The connection of one recovering person speaking and listening to another is so powerful!

After the first meeting, I spoke with another guy that I've known in recovery for a while. I hadn't seen him in some time, but talking to him helped me greatly. During the meeting I shared that I was a "chronic relapser." He shared with me his experience of saying the same thing in his early days, and that someone pulled him aside and reminded him that he wasn't in relapse mode, and that if he kept referring to himself that way, he probably would continue to be just that. He told me that once he heard this tidbit, he stopped thinking of himself that way, and he's stayed sober ever since. This was invaluable to me! It helped reset my course, and I've been feeling much better this evening.

If I hadn't reached out earlier today, I might have missed out on that very important piece of information! My usual way of doing things would have left me feeling worse and further removed from humanity. Gratefully, I did the next right thing and as they say the rest is history. So in closing I'm reminded of something my sponsor says continually , "Stay close and stay connected!"

Next Right Thing

Day 46: The past couple of days have gone better. I'm a little more at peace with the changes that have recently happened in my life. But my heart is still broken. It will take time for that to pass...

I know that no matter what, I have to stay sober. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. And nothing good will happen if I don't work on me. Finding what it is that keeps me from asking for help when I really need it will be key. I know that going to a lot of meetings and reaching out to other men in recovery is paramount. I've been on the phone a lot, and checking in with my sponsor daily. None of which I'm writing about is news to me. It's the practice of it that I have had trouble with in the past. There is one thing beyond not taking a drink that will help me stay sober. It's called doing the next right thing.

What is the next right thing? It can be as simple as doing my dishes or making my bed. Or it can be reaching out to another suffering alcoholic. I've been keeping a journal of my days and accessing my activities at the end of my day. Sort of a 10th Step. I'm able to see where I did the next right thing, and when I didn't. It's been helpful. Just seeing that I'm doing a few things right keeps me from beating up on myself. And when I fall short, I just ask for God's help in making the changes the next day. So far it's been working. I'm trying to make this a habit. A mini inventory can reveal a lot!

I'm still struggling with getting up right away in the morning. I'm hoping this will get easier as time passes. I've found running in the afternoon helps me clear my mind. I'm gonna try to start doing it in the morning instead, it'll probably be easier to do so once the running gets easier. I'm just back to running three miles at a time. My past experience with running tells me that once I've done it for a couple of weeks, it becomes a part of me, and then I look forward to doing it!

It's about action, and keeping the momentum going forward.

This Too Shall Pass

Today is day 43 of my recovery. In all of my experience of sobriety(18 years of in and out) I have never felt so low. This time around is really miserable. Not that I'm not grateful to get one last chance of getting this, but this time has been less than enjoyable. Thankfully the thought of drinking hasn't been there, but the feelings of sadness and hopelessness have been an ever constant companion. Perhaps this is a blessing. I know that it does get better, that it takes time, but I'm certain that I don't EVER want to feel this way again! I pray that I never forget how hard it's been...

I'm struggling with the losses that are a result of my decision to drink again. While I'm still employed, still have friends and family by my side, the most important thing I've lost is causing me a great deal of pain. Sadly, the pain I'm feeling is probably being shared by someone else. My disease has taken so much from me. My sense of self is at an all time low. The relationships I had are either over, or strained. Financially I'm in the toilet. Emotionally I'm a wreck. Spiritually I'm bankrupt. But I'm alive and sober. So I'm still in the game. It's going to take a lot of hard work and a lot of patience. But I'm trying to have faith THAT THIS TOO SHALL PASS...

Manifesto For A New Life

I have finally hit rock bottom. My soul is laid bare for the world to see. Now what am I going to do about it? For starters, no more self-pity. It is a poison that corrodes the very fabric of existence. Time to put on the big boy pants and go to work. All of the pain and suffering I've endured in the recent past will be the fuel by which I will carve out a new life. Yes there will be setbacks. But I will not wilt in the face of defeat any longer!

I have but one life to live. Why waste the minutes pining for the past? The past is where it shall remain. Time to live for today! For today well lived brings the hope of a bright tomorrow. I will no longer settle for second best. The world is my oyster, and I shall pluck it from its shell! I will live life to its fullest. I will be the man that can be counted on. I will be the friend who's there when I'm needed most. The brother and the son who can love and be loved.

I will make something of myself, something that can be of service to others. Enough of selfish pride. Time to go forth into that good night. To be the man God intended me to be. Strong, self confident, assured and companionate. Today is the day I start this mission. No more tears wasted, only tears of joy. For today I am the master of my reality. I have a DESIRE to be something other than what I've been. With God's help and the support of good friends I will make this dream a reality!

Again...

39 days ago I came out of the haze of a six day binge that can only be described as a living Hell...
I ended up in detox for six days, then went to Maryland for rehab at Father Martin's Ashley for 28 days. Now I'm faced with the reality of my situation. I lost the love of someone that I still love dearly, worst yet I lost what little self-esteem I had from my last recovery from my last relapse.

It's been a real struggle trying to stay sober since I first relapsed after two years of sobriety last October. I've relapsed three times in the past year, and been to two rehabs in the last eight months. I find it gets harder every time. I'm really struggling with the loss of my relationship. Especially, since I'm solely responsible for its demise. But I realize that I have to do this for myself if I'm to stay alive and make some sort of happiness and satisfaction of what time I have left in this world. I'm trying to find out who I am and what my purpose is in this life. I firmly believe there is a reason I'm still here. What that is I'm not sure, but I'm gonna fight like Hell to find out why and what for! If you believe in the power of prayer, please say one for me. I need all the help I can get.

Financial Fear

There are few things that can make or break one's recovery as financial woes, except maybe romance. As the saying goes: Finance and romance are killers!  Yours truly is in a bit of a financial bind, and it's been messing with my emotions and thoughts! I'm not really eager to share this, but I've found from past experience, that holding these sort of things in only leads to me berating myself, and finally picking up a drink to escape the hopelessness and self loathing.

My current challenges stem from my being off from work for three months while I sought treatment. Now, I'm broke and it doesn't feel good... In fact, I'm struggling not to be too hard on myself. I know it won't always be this way, but at times it feels like it. The other thing that is affected from my monetary troubles is how I feel in my relationship with the woman I love. Gratefully, she is very understanding and supportive. But my ego tends to tell me things like: "She thinks your a loser","She's gonna leave you" etc... All of which she has told me is completely untrue, however, I feel very vulnerable right now. Part of this vulnerability stems from the fact that we are struggling to keep our relationship out of the physical realm. It has been suggested by both of our sponsors that more time is needed before we go there. Sound advice for sure, but not easy to abide by. In the past I could have escaped how I felt by being intimate with her, but for now, I'm forced to feel these feelings and sort through my thoughts by sharing them verbally. Not an easy task for this alcoholic!

The funny thing is I'm working Step Three, and it's become quite clear to me that I have trouble having faith that my higher power will take care of me. Even though if I look over my past, I've never been destitute, always had a roof over my head, and food in my belly. (maybe not as much as I'd like) Even when I was an active alcoholic with a very difficult ability to stay employed as a result of it. I've always come through... I guess right now I'm learning the meaning of humility. While at the same time being forced to trust that my higher power's will is just what is going on now. The blessing is that not once has the thought of picking up a drink even occurred to me. And that is progress! I also think that this is a reminder of what I want from sobriety, peace of mind. And that can only happen if I work for it!

Moving Forward

Yesterday, I moved from the apartment that I had been in since I last got sober. I had been there for two and a half years. There were mixed emotions involved as I finished up cleaning it and left for the last time last night. I had some great memories there, and some not so pleasant once as well.

There were memories of spending time with friends there. Memories of the first time my girl and I made out on the couch. Memories of Christmas and New Years Day celebrations. So many good times! Then there are the times that I drank my self into oblivion... The last of which being the final four days of the miserable Hell before I left for rehab. I don't ever want to forget any of these memories, for they are the things that are a part of my journey.

My new place is great! I have a roommate that is also sober and in recovery. It's a big plus to have someone to talk to that might understand my thought process, But mainly, it'll keep me accountable and moving forward in my sojourn.

I love the new neighborhood a lot! It's three blocks from Greek Town, and it has a nice park that I plan on spending a lot of time at this summer. I got out today after putting my things away and took a walk to Greek Town and had a Gyro for lunch and then visited the Athenian Candle Co.. It's a funky little store that has all kinds of trinkets, icons, candles (of course) incense and other religious items. I just love it!

I really believe this move was meant for me, and I look forward to moving forward!

Meditation

Ok, so I'm surely not the first person to write about meditation in a blog, but I felt compelled to do so!
I've been practicing Vedic Meditation on and off for a little over three years. I was fortunate enough to learn from my teacher Light Watkins. As of late, I have been quite diligent in my practice. Most days I do it twice a day (morning and evening) for 20 minutes. I've grown to realize the benefits of my practice. It's as vital to my sobriety as is attending meetings and taking the medicines that have been prescribed to me. In essence, it is a daily dose of peace and serenity.

My mind is quieter, my patience is greater, as well as my tolerance of others. The 20-40 minutes of meditation I practice each day, give me a respite from my unruly thought process. It is amazing to see how much the conscious mind fights to be heard when I attempt to quiet it. Some days, I'm successful in quieting down my mind for a better part of the session. Other times not so much. But that is all right. It's a PRACTICE. Just like any other activity one does on a regular basis, sometimes it isn't as fulfilling as others. But the cumulative effects are rewarded when it really counts.

I'm convinced that if I don't continue to practice meditation, I will be sliding backward. I know this from experience. Last year I put the training for a marathon ahead of it. Justifying it by telling myself that running was a form of meditation. The end result was a slow decline back into negative thinking, depression and anxiety that ended in a relapse.  For me, the act of sitting still quietly on the couch is a more effective method of keeping my mind in check.

If you are curious about learning this method of meditation, I highly recommend clicking on the hyperlink of Light's name above. There you can find some resources that you might find to be as invaluable as I have!

Jai Guru Deva Om

There's No Place Like Home

Tonight I attended one of my home groups. It's a house meeting at a married couple's home in AA. I can't begin to say how grateful I am to have been welcomed into this group! For those that are unfamiliar with what a home group is, it's a meeting where a member attends on a regular basis. A place where one can get to know other members and form close relationships. These relationships are vital for any member of AA. Without them, it is easy to slip into isolation and drink again, maybe even die...

Tonight's group is very special. It is a place where there seems to be a deeper sense of intimacy than a regular AA meeting. Most of people that attend this group are there every week, and share what is going on in their lives. There is an accountability that goes with attending a home group. I have found that it is imperative that I be at least one of my home groups every week. This meeting is really important to me, because I feel safe there to discuss things I might not share at a regular meeting. And if I'm not there, someone will notice. They might even reach out and find out why I'm not there.  This is so important!  The other thing I love is the camaraderie that is shared. When it is some one's sobriety anniversary of "belly button" birthday, we have cake and celebrate after the meeting. There is much joy in this house when we gather together. It is fellowship that keeps people coming back long enough until the are able to work the steps and learn to love themselves. Much like what I've been learning to do in the past two months.

I am truly overjoyed at the prospect of getting to know the people at my home group at a deeper level. At a true and honest level. At the same time, I will learn to allow other people to know the true and honest me.  For that I am so grateful!

Shame

There is no bigger threat to my inner peace than shame. For years I've lived with it, not really understanding why. I just felt it. What is shame? According to Wikipedia:
Shame is, variously, an affect, emotion, cognition, state, or condition. The roots of the wordshame are thought to derive from an older word meaning "to cover"; as such, covering oneself, literally or figuratively, is a natural expression of shame.^[1]

Ah... so shame is literally the act of covering something up. When I was in 1st grade, I had a terrible time sitting in class.(There had been some recent upheaval in my life at the time)  So I would ask to be excused to go to the restroom quite often. This lasted for a period of time that I can't now determine, but I remember the day it was put to a halt. Ever hear of the fable The Boy Who Cried Wolf? Well, it happened to me. Let's just say that on that particular day I REALLY had to use the restroom. And wouldn't you know it? The teacher said NO. So I sat at my desk trying my best to control  my small, but overwhelmed six year old bladder; to no avail...

So there I sat, dreading the bell for recess. And when it came, I was forced to stand up for all of my classmates to see my failure to control my bodily functions. That's when that word shame overcame
me... This of course led to schoolyard hazing and eventually bullying.  At that moment, I took it upon myself to think that there was something terribly wrong with me. That I didn't deserve to be protected, that I was a bad person...

That event eventually led to my doing things I didn't want to do. Things that I didn't feel right about. But things I was compelled to do out of desperation for what I thought was friendship. This in turn made me feel more shame. Basically, I got caught up on the perpetual wheel of shame. I felt alienated from my peers, so I would do things to get attention. Sometimes things that I knew weren't acceptable, but none the less, I did them for attention. Then when it was pointed out to me that these things were wrong, I would immediately fall back into shame. If you are following along carefully, you'll note that I'm not saying shame is always a bad thing. But because of the way I understood it, I would suffer feelings of inferiority, helplessness, weakness and defenselessness. All of which plagued me through my life.

I recently had the opportunity to do EMDR therapy. It really helped me to deal with the shame I've been dealing with over various situations from my past. Basically how EMDR works is that you recreate the event of trauma while being stimulated visually, tactically and aurally.  This system helps break up the memory in sense. When we go through trauma, our Amygdalae takes over the functions of the brain and creates the fight or flight response. When this happens our Frontal Lobe goes on vacation. That's the part of the brain that uses reason. But the memory of the event is stored in the Limbic system in the Hippocampus, the part of the brain that is responsible for both long and short term memory. This trauma continually spins around in our brains, with no logic attached to the event. EMDR activates the Frontal Lobes while recreating the trauma to allow processing.

Let me tell you, it works! The memory of the events are still there, but they don't have the same emotional impact they once had over me. It's still going to take more work for me to deal with the issues that have caused me trouble, but I know longer feel shame over them. I recognize that the messages I've been telling myself were based in false assumptions.  What happened to me as a child wasn't my fault. I'm not a bad person, I've just operated under this falsehood. Today I have a choice to believe those thoughts or not. I choose not to live in  the toxicity of shame!

A New Perspective

Today I woke up with a smile of gratitude upon my face.(and a little dog named Chloe licking me) No fuzzy head, no blurry bloodshot eyes. But a promise of a new day and the possibilities that were ahead! I contribute this to a new perspective that I've taken about my life.

It wasn't too long ago that I didn't wake up this way. As a matter of fact, it was more like coming to. And then there wasn't any gratitude. Exactly the opposite. I dreaded the thought of facing another day. I wanted to crawl back into bed, and worse... Climb into a bottle of scotch and drown myself in in it. What a miserable existence! What made it even worse was the fact that no matter how much liquor I consumed, I couldn't block the memories and the feelings of my past that had haunted me for so long.  

This is a horrible place to be. To be terrified of the feelings of guilt and shame, and being unable to turn to the one thing that had always taken them away. This was the "jumping of place" for me. Couple the inability to blot out my thoughts and the realization that I had to resort to scraping change together to feed the Coin Star just so I could by more alcohol at 7:00 AM helped me reach my bottom. That, and a little voice in my head that told me to reach out for help. Which I did...

I finally made it to treatment three days later. Upon getting my vitals in detox, I was informed that my blood pressure was in the danger zone, and that I was a ticking time bomb waiting to blow. It took me a couple of days of coming out of the haze that I was much sicker than I could have ever imagined. And this was only after four days of drinking! (Of course that was four days straight)Fortunately that's no longer the case. I went in for a physical today, and gratefully my blood pressure is at a safe and normal state. Overall, I'm in pretty good health for a guy my age. 

Today I can say I'm very grateful to be alive. Grateful I don't have to live that way anymore. It's hard to believe that 51 days later I could have such a dramatic change of perspective. Of course when one's feet have been put to the fire, one can't help but feel immense relief to have them withdrawn!  Today I live in today as best I can. Because the truth is I feel like I'm living on borrowed time... Only grace saved me. Something I hope I never forget!  

Boy on the Red Line

Riding home tonight, I saw a family of three get on the L at the Jackson stop. They were all dressed in mismatched clothing and poorly groomed. The mother looked as if she was a heroin addict, and the father had a similar appearance. The boy who looked to be around seven although disheveled, was a handsome lad.

The mother took the seat in front of me, and the father and son sat directly behind me. I mainly paid attention to the mother as she was in my line of sight. I noticed that when we made the stop at Harrison that she stood up and looked confused as to her whereabouts. The father growled at her to sit down, she then took a seat to my left. She was holding a plastic bag in her hand that seem to hold a bottle of pop and some cigarettes among other items. She clutched it as if her life depended upon it. I noticed that other passengers were looking at her in a puzzled fashion, as well as a looks of disdain. 

When I got up from my seat to stand by the doors to wait to exit at Roosevelt, I looked at the young boy. He had a smile on his face, but he had a lost look in his eyes when he looked me. It broke my heart to see such a young life already exposed to the obviously cruel side of life.  I couldn't help but feel pity for him. What it must be like to be him can only be imagined. He made me reflect on my own youth. Realizing that although I wasn't happy much of my childhood, I had two parents that loved me and did the best they could with raising me, I can say thankfully they were never abusive or derelict. I was flooded with a sense of gratitude as I exited the train. I then felt compelled to say a silent prayer for that little boy. 

Life isn't fair, but when I think of how much worse so many people in the world have it. I feel a bit guilty for complaining about my own troubles. I don't know if my observations were correct about that little boy. For all I know he's quite happy. But I know this much, I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's today. I have it really good. I have family and friends that love me and support me. I have it so well. And the thing is I have taken it for granted far too many times.

As you go to bed tonight, reflect upon your own life and think of what you can be grateful for. I know I will...

Please Stand Up!

"I stood up for the first time
When I was eleven months old
And ever since that day, my mama said
I never done what I was told
I never stood for nothing too much
All through my schooling years
But I stood as much as I can stand
And I guess that's why I'm still standing here"-Stood Up/John Hiatt


The lyrics above have a special meaning to me. You see, they sum up my life quite easily. I've always done what I wanted to do, no matter what anyone told me. I always felt like I had all the answers. You couldn't tell me what to do. Always thinking, "Don't you know who I am?"  Well, that way of doing things hasn't exactly been a success...

In Alcoholics Anonymous they have a saying that says, "My best thinking got me a seat in these rooms."Oh and how true that is in my case! My best thinking has led to untold misery, isolation and a feeling apart from the rest of the human race.  I always thought I knew what was best for me, you and the rest of those people out there. How presumptuous of me! The truth is I don't even know what's best for myself, let alone anybody else.

Things are slowly changing. I finally realized in this 46th year of my life on the Third Rock, that I need other people. Not to get something from, but to share in this wonderful experience called LIFE. I also realized that I needed to turn my life and my will over to God. That's OK if you don't believe in a God.
Lord knows I didn't for a very long time. But unlike many people, I need to have a belief in something greater than myself. The reason? I have a HUGE ego, one that needs to be deflated on a regular basis.
As I've stated, I obviously don't know what I don't know. And that adds up to a lot!

The last line in the lyrics above seem to encapsulate where I've been. I stood as much misery and fear as I could take. I couldn't go on the way I was, it was a death sentence... And no, I'm not being overly dramatic. I was slowly killing my body and soul. I feel grateful to be alive, grateful to have another opportunity at getting things right, well, as right as I can humanly do so. I expect to make mistakes. Something I was quite intolerant of, in both you and especially me!  I found out the real definition of the word Perfectionist. It's not doing something perfectly all the time, it's not doing something out of fear that I'll screw it up, thus leaving me to question: Why bother?  Today I'm more gentle with myself. And in turn, I'm more accepting and tolerant of others.

So today I'm standing up. But not alone, and not by my own devices!

Acceptance

I'm gaining an appreciation of this word: Acceptance. I've been going through a struggle as of late that really has tested this principle in my life. Finally, I came to the realization that no matter how much I kick and scream like a child, none of that is going to change the outcome.

I came back to a different life not to long ago. And things had drastically changed. I had pushed someone out of my life through my own selfish actions. I wanted to fix this immediately, to say how sorry I was, to ask for forgiveness, but that wasn't what happened. The truth of the matter is my words carry little weight. Only my actions and showing that I'm working hard to change the way I've acted in the past is changing, will prove my words truthful. The harder I fought the idea of acceptance of the situation, the more crazy I made myself.  Once I gave in to the idea that things happen the way they are supposed to, and in the time frame that the universe sees fit, I found some relief.

That doesn't mean I have to like the situation. But if I can accept that things are the way they are right now, this moment in time, I'll be ok. If I concentrate on what needs to be done in front of me, and show gratitude for what I still have, then I'll learn from my mistakes.  I need to grow up. Bottom line! 
I'm making some changes in my current living situation. Removing  myself from an environment that isn't condusive to the changes I need to make. I'm allowing myself the opportunity to let someone help me, so I can help myself. Time to put my pride away, suck it up, and go forward! Thus, acceptance.