The Ghost of Her

It's 1:00 am and I should be fast asleep. But a nagging thought of her is keeping me awake... Like a itch you can't scratch, what she did and what we were lingers on my mind. It's been a while since this has happened and I'm not very happy about it.

I just can't wrap my head around how someone could on one day say they love you and want you to be in their life, then less than a week later break your heart as if love never existed. My intellect understands at some level why she did what she did. But my heart doesn't. Perhaps my ego is getting the better of me. I don't know...

What once promised to be a fruitful and loving relationship ended in shambles in an instant. Leaving me to pick up the pieces and wonder why it all happened in the first place. Then to add insult to injury, she moved on to another man as if I never happened. I know this has little to do with me. But it still hurts. I'm struggling with the idea that someone could actually toy with someone's emotions as she did and not feel anything at all.

When she contacted me to tell me it was troublesome to see me and it brought up feelings, I thought perhaps she was unsure of her knee-jerk action of breaking things off. But then to find out she had a boyfriend all the while, knowing full well that I still had feelings for her and was willing to have a conversation about mending things and not telling me straight up is nearly unforgivable. Especially when I found out by him calling me... How cowardly is that? I just don't get it...  What kind of person could do this?

I really am disappointed in her. Goddamned angry at her if I'm honest. I let her play me as a fool and that's where my ego comes in. But there's the side of me that finds pity for her. She's probably never had anyone love her and be willing to do almost anything to be with her.  I know that deep down in her heart she loved me. I don't doubt that. Its just that she didn't know how to accept what I had to offer. Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint. I had my part in all of this. But I can't begin to imagine that I could ever be so cruel...

I continue to pray for the willingness to find forgiveness for her. And at times I feel it. But it's times like now that I just want to lash out. If she were here now, she'd hear about how badly she hurt me. And that what she did was completely unfair. But that'll never happen. So I'm left with these unresolved feelings of anger and sadness. It's so frustrating!

I wonder if she even thinks about me. If she questions her decision. If she's happier now. Part of me hopes she gets her heart stomped on. But, then I realize it won't matter, because I won't be there to see it. But I honestly hope that one day she realizes what she had in me and regrets what she's done. If the law of Karma holds true, then perhaps I'm paying my debt to the girl who's heart I broke when I couldn't stay sober. But if this is so, then maybe she'll have her debt to pay as well.

It's fucked up that we live in a world that is so cold sometimes. But no one ever said life was easy. All I know is I just sleep. I just want one day where I don't think of her. Hopefully that day will come sooner rather than later. I do know it'll be easier after next Wednesday when I walk out of the door of my current place of employment for good, as it was where we met. Chances are I'll never see her again after I leave there. And it'll be a fresh start when I move on to bigger and better things.  Things that probably would never happened if she and I where still together. But at this moment, that doesn't bring me solace...  So I write to clear my head. It brings me some perspective on the reality of it all. I'll end with this... Sage advice I need to put into action...

What Just Happened? (Part Two)

Later that evening she texted me later to ask if I would be ok with her going out with a friend to have a few drinks and to go dancing.(She isn't an Alcoholic) I supported this, telling her that I thought it would be a good idea if she went out and blew off some steam. She told me she loved me and that she looked forward to spending some time together the following night. I spent the evening with friends at a late movie and had a fun time. I was in a place of relief...

The next morning she called me from work saying that she had fun but was tired since she stayed out later than she had planned. The tone of our conversation had returned to the familiar jovial and friendly type I had become accustomed to. We spoke of plans of seeing each other that night before I hung up. Everything seemed to be resetting itself. So I enjoyed my Saturday with some friends my housemates had over at the house by the pool. That afternoon she called me telling me she was tired and really just wanted to go home. I asked her if she still wanted to go shopping together for Easter baskets for her kids and she said yes, but that she was probably going right home afterward. I couldn't contain my disappointment with this and she heard it in my voice...

Upon her arrival at my house, I could see she was visibly angry.  But, I did my best not to acknowledge it. As we drove to the store I asked about her evening out and she was very curt in her reply. I then asked her why she was acting the way she was and she unleashed a mountain of fury on me. She said that she felt like I didn't care about how she felt and that all I cared about was how I felt. This made me snap and I lost my temper and yelled at her. I told her that I it seemed as if the longer we were together the less time we spent together and it felt like she didn't really want to be in the relationship with me anymore. She replied that she wasn't so sure she wanted to be anymore. It was a tit for tat argument that finally ended in her demanding that take her back to her car. I obliged her and when we arrived at my house she stormed out of my car heading straight for hers. I followed her and tried to apologize for losing my temper, but she refused to listen. She looked at me and said "I'll talk to you later'" while giving me a look that still haunts me to this day. I didn't know it at the time, but that would be the last time I would ever speak to her face to face...

As I cooled off and thought about what had happened, I realized that I had been selfish. That perhaps I had been to demanding and wasn't giving her the space she needed after such a traumatic event. I now realize that I was so afraid of losing her that I had tried to pull her closer to me. This in affect pushed her away...The days leading up to the abortion, I read a lot of stories on the internet about how this critical event tended to destroy relationships. So naturally, I acted out of fear and I'm sure that it had a negative effect of her perception of me as a man. Later that night I sent her a text apologizing for my behavior and acknowledge that I had in fact been selfish and that I was truly sorry for it. She didn't reply... The next day was Easter Sunday and I picked up an extra shift to get some overtime. Again I texted her apologizing and asking her for her forgiveness. She finally returned my text saying she forgave me and wished me a Happy Easter. The next day I again texted her wishing her a good day and letting her know that I was thinking of her. She replied that if she didn't answer my text, it was because her phone service was possibly being cut off. Again, I offered to help, but she didn't reply.

After following the suggestion of some people I trust, I stopped contacting her for a couple of days trying to give her some space. Then on Wednesday, she texted me saying she was spending time with her mother who was in town, but that we should probably get together to talk. I responded that she just needed to let me know when. She didn't answer. I had the day off from work because my boss is amazing and told me to take some time off. So I sat down and wrote her a letter pouring my heart out telling her how much I loved her and then drove to her house and left her roses and the letter upon her doorstep. I spent the rest of the day in agony, not knowing what might happen next. That night I went to bed early with plans to go to the gym before work next day.

The next morning I awoke at 4:30 AM to go to the gym. It had been a fistful night of rest so when I looked at my phone with leery eyes I saw something that shocked me. There it was, a text from her saying that she didn't want to continue the relationship and that she was unhappy etc... She had sent it at 2:00AM while I had been asleep. I was so angry at this! I couldn't believe that after what we had gone through the week before she would dump me in such a insensitive and cowerdly manner. I responded poorly and fired off an angry text calling her a girl instead of a woman for breaking up with me via text. I then posted a short sided  Facebook status about what had just happened, calling her an emotional cripple.  In hind sight it wasn't a good idea. Yet in a way it was helpful as it garnered me much support. I later made an edit of the post after I realized the cruelty in it, and that was not who I wanted to be.  I then went gym and lifted with fury. I was in a daze. I felt numb to the core. When I arrived at work I was so stunned I could hardly speak. I spoke with a few friends and my boss and left work early to try to get some sleep as I hadn't slept for no more than two hours a night the previous four nights. This was an exercise in futility and I found myself burning all of the things she ever gave me in the outdoor fire pit. The next day I received a text from her asking to come get a few items she had left at my house. Again I responded in a not so graceful way. Telling her that she had some nerve to ask to come get her things from me in person after she hadn't shown me the courtesy of telling me wanted to end things in person. I told her I would send her things with a driver at work on Monday. I ended up regretting this as anyone knows, second guessing had me thinking I cold have talked to her and made things right... But I was stubborn and prideful.

A week went by and I started to feel remorse for being so hasty and not trying to talk things out with her. So I sent her some roses with a note saying that I missed her and that I wished things weren't the way they were. A week went by and I heard nothing from her. Then I awoke to an email from her thanking me for the flowers and the note. Saying both were beautiful, but she didn't know what to say since things had ended so ugly. I responded that I only wished to talk to her and find out why she had broke things of in such an ill manner. She said she would try to figure something out.  Again,  thinking I might have a shot at trying to repair things, I sent her another bouquet of flowers. This time she responded saying that while she appreciated the flowers, she really wanted me to stop doing so and that we could meet the next day to talk.  Then the next day arrived and she cancelled on me saying her kid was sick and that she couldn't meet.

The following week I tried one more attempt to reach out to her. I wrote her a long letter telling her how much I missed her and how sad I was, professing my love. But this time I told her it would be the last time I would attempt to reconcile things. I enclosed a check for the amount the procedure cost and mailed it off to her. A couple of weeks went by without a response. Again she emailed me saying that she had to cash the check and that she really didn't want to but would pay me back. She then said that what we had was real but with no explanation as to why, said that two people who are close can become strangers without betrayal or any major event. I responded that I didn't want any money from her and I wished her well...

Some time passed and then one day I saw her face to face at work, it was heartbreaking... My heart felt like it sank into the pit of my stomach.  I immediately went into the bathroom at work and got on my knees asking for help from God to get through it. A week later on second occasion of being her it was much easier and I felt much better about it, thinking I had turned the corner, I went about my day. That afternoon, she emailed me saying that she didn't know what to say, but that it sucked seeing me that day and that she was very sorry for how she had ended things and that it was her fault. That when she saw me it made her feel "some type of way" I hesitated to respond, but eventually I did telling her that it wasn't easy for me either. I asked her what she felt and she responded that she thought of me when ever she looked at the tattoo she got with me. (We went to get tattoos on Friday the 13th together) That it reminded her of me and us. It seemed as if she was second guessing her decision. I sent her a lYoutube link of a song by Death Cab for Cutie called Trasatlanticism. She responded saying she had heard the song many times, but had never paid attention to the lyrics ending it with a sad face Emoticon. I responded, telling her that it made me cry whenever I heard it. She then responded asking if it was in general or because of us. I had never heard it until after we broke up so the obvious answer was us. In my sick and twisted head, I had thoughts of rekindling our relationship. So the next night I contacted her via text asking her to call me since it seemed as if she was having second thoughts about us. She said she would when her mother left. Then I didn't hear from her...  I texted her again the next morning asking her why she hadn't called. She apologized saying she fell asleep and that she would call me later that night. Later that I evening I contacted her to tell her I would be in a meeting and that if she wanted to get in touch after that would be a good time. She responded saying she hadn't forgotten, that she had company over. Of course my suspicion of her having a man over popped into my head immediately. upon reading the word company.. But, I pushed it out of my head. Again, she didn't call...

The next day I emailed her saying that if she had no intention of calling me she should just say so. She responded apologetically saying that it wasn't the case and that she had no excuse for not contacting me. That we should meet after she got off of work the next day. As the previous time, this didn't happen and she texted me at 6:30 PM saying she had just got off work and that she couldn't meet since she had to pick up her kids. I was disappointed, but I understood the reason and accepted it for what it was. Still holding out hope that we might be able to fix things.

That evening a large group of my friends gathered to celebrate a couple of the guys one year anniversaries. I was out late and I was near her apartment so again I thought it might be nice to stop by her house and put a rose on her car letting her know that I was thinking of her. All the while  hoping it might spark something in her. It did, but not what I expected... The next morning I awoke to a nasty voicemail from her telling me that she didn't want me to send her flowers or to stop by her house ever again. I responded in an angry text telling her that she didn't need to worry about that because I was done dealing with her jerking me around. I reminded her that she was the one who initiated the conversation and that I had been perfectly fine with things until she told me how she thought about us and was having hard time dealing with it. I told her that from then on she needed to deal with her feelings of un-comfortability when she saw me and to never contact me in any manner again.

I went back to sleep and remained there until around noon. When I awoke there was a voicemail from an unidentified number. Thinking it might be her calling fro a work phone I proceeded to listen to it. Boy was I in for a surprise! Instead it was some guy claiming to be her boyfriend and that she had told him that I had been contacting her when she had asked me not to and that he wanted to know what that was about. (Nice touch using a blocked number by the way coward, I would have called him back and told him exactly what was going on) I was furious! So much so, I did something I haven't done in a long time and I punched a hole in the wall of my bedroom. I couldn't believe that within a month's time of our breakup, she had already replaced me and especially after what we had been through. I sent her an email knowing she would get it, (thinking she had probably already blocked my number) telling her that I couldn't believe she had already replaced me and yet she didn't have the guts to tell me herself, but had him call me instead. I once again reminded her that she was the one who reached out to me telling me that she still thought of me. I told her I thought she was an awful person and that I never wanted to hear from her again PERIOD.

I've had sometime to reflect upon how this whole thing played out. And I still harbor a lot of anger towards her. But I realize I should have never contacted her or responded to her in the first place. That is where I went wrong. The good news is that I finally got the closure I so desired, granted it wasn't how I wanted it, but it was closure none the less... I still can't believe that the woman I thought I knew and loved could be so manipulative and insensitive. It only demonstrated to me that I need to be more aware of the signs and not to ignore them. When I think back, I saw her true personality pop up from time to time, but I shrugged it off because it didn't fit the image of who I made her out to be. She could be very nasty to people and I saw it on more than one occasion.  If anything, I should have listened to my intuition early on and not let myself get emotionally attached. I should have run the other way. She has had a rough life and I know that she wasn't equipped emotionally for what we went through. Nor do I think she really understands what love is supposed to mean. I would have fought tooth and nail to save what was un-salvagable. That is my own shit. I'm well aware of it now. My need to feel the love of a woman is so great that I make choices that aren't in my best interest. I believe the word is co-dependent... Regardless, I wouldn't ever leave someone when the chips are down. I'm happy to say that I won't let this stop me from finding the right one. I'm just going to be a lot more aware of things the next time. I'm just now getting back into the dating scene and I honestly don't enjoy it. But, I'd rather be alone and at peace then to be in the same situation I was in with her. I know I have a lot of work to do on my end. I've been trying hard to find forgiveness for her and I pray for her happiness, even though most times I don't want to. But I know that forgiving her is about me not her. It's just going to take some time. But with each passing day the sting gets a little less acute and I find myself feeling more free.

 I know I had my part in all of this. And I'll own up to every bit of it. But I find that writing can be very therapeutic. As of this time I await news of a new career opportunity that would take me from ever having to see her again. I'm hopeful it'll happen. I haven't seen her since the last time. I suspect she's trying her best to not come to where I work. If I do, I pray I handle it gracefully. I'll keep you posted on both developments... Thanks for reading.

Fly With The Angels, Dance With The Stars

I received some sad news not more than a half an hour ago. A kid I had been sponsoring was found dead from an overdose of heroin. earlier today... 

The odd thing was that I saw a status update earlier today mentioning the loss of a Paul to the disease. For a brief moment I paused and thought of the Paul I had been sponsoring up until last Friday. But I pushed the thought out of my mind. Thinking, "it's probably a different Paul." Then I went on with my business for the rest of the day. The reason I thought of him was that he suddenly picked up and left town to go back up North. It was a unexpected development that caught me by surprise. When he texted me to tell me he was leaving the next day, I was caught of guard, but I didn't try to dissuade him. I wished him the best and told him to keep in touch. That was the last time I heard from him... We had been moving forward in his step work and he was making good progress on a fourth step inventory. Then without any warning he went AWOL and didn't call me to confirm a time to meet. Then he texted me letting me know he was leaving Florida. 

Then the call came tonight from a good friend that sponsors one of his friends from the halfway house they lived in. The sad news was given that he had died... At this point I'm numb. Its such a shame. He was only 20 years old. He had so much to look forward to in his young life. Now he's gone...

I met Paul about three months ago after my home group. I remember him picking up a white chip (A symbol of surrendering the battle against the disease on one's own terms) and I introduced my self to him afterward. He was a shy and quiet young man. But he worked up the courage to ask me if I could sponsor him. I was honored and said yes. (It's an honor and a duty to help the new comer) He called me every day for a week straight to demonstrate he was serious about getting sober. So we started on the work right away. He was eager and willing to follow the direction I gave him. It was awesome to watch him slowly spread his wings!

As our relationship grew, I noticed that he seemed to look up to me as a father figure. At first I was uncomfortable with it. But I soon realized he really needed someone like me to give him some guidance. Just as I had with my sponsor when I first got sober.  So, we moved forward and he was a real blessing in my life. Especially when I was going through with my own troubles with my last relationship crumbling. When we would meet for an hour every week, it was the one time I could forget about my own calamities and focus on his early recovery struggles. I was very grateful to have him in my life, as I am for all my sponsees. He really helped me get through the rough time I was dealing with, all the while not really knowing that he was. He once asked if he could do anything for me. And I told him that it was his job to get through the step work and my job to get him through it. That was more than enough help.  

I's so sad to know he's gone.  I've never had a sponsee go back out and die. This will be a difficult one to deal with. But I know I have my supports that will get me through this. Just like they have always done before. His death will not be all in vain. It will be a constant reminder to me that if I let up, I too can have the same fate. I'm just sorry we never got the chance to get our relationship to that of friends like I have with my other sponsee that finished the work.  Paul, you will be missed. I send prayers to your loved ones... Fly with angels, dance with the stars...

Relentless Forward Progress!!! (Letting Go)

Today I received great news! I got a new job offer at a prestigious treatment center that I really wanted to work for! I'm so excited about it! It will be such a great opportunity for me. The possibility of advancement within the company is great, the personal growth that can occur is nearly limitless and the pay is very competitive!

Things are looking up in so many areas of my life. Having been through literal Hell in the recent past, I can now look over all that has transpired and see how all the pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Sometimes I don't like what is going on in the present and I resist the change that is occurring. But once I relinquish the urge to try to hold on and control the situation and accept the reality of it, things tend to always work out for the better.  You'd think that when I look over my life and I see that everything always works out in the end, I'd stop trying to control everything. But I'm stubborn and still let fear run my life enough that I usually kick and scream for a little while before surrendering... 

If I look over the recent past, I can see how being demoted and losing a relationship put me in the place I am today. The truth is I was stagnating in both areas and I couldn't see it. So I believe that God answered my prayers of help and took those things from me.  I was content in the way my life was going, but not as happy as I really wanted to be. If I'm honest with myself, there were plenty of times when I wanted more out of what I had in my relationship. Don't get me wrong, I was happy enough, but I found myself longing for more. It just wasn't something she was capable of giving me.

As far as the job goes, I was frustrated at times and I'm sure that played into my handling myself the way I did which led to my being stripped of my promotion. 

Today I have new sense of adventure and dream of the endless possibilities that lay before me. The job that I'm taking will bring far more responsibility, and whole new set of challenges, but the rewards will be well worth it! On a side note, I'll be working with a friend of mine. The thing about this friend is he was a behavioral tech where I went to treatment the last time. Initially I couldn't stand him. But I grew to respect him because I was forced to talk to him about a situation that I didn't care for by my therapist at the time. It was one of those pivotal moments in my early recovery that at the time I didn't see the gravity that the situation held. Once he and I had that conversation, we were able to have a good rapport there after. Today, I'm happy to say that he and I have become good friends and I'm very excited to be working alongside him! It's moments like that one that remind me that when I'm uncomfortable that its ok to embrace it. The growth that has occurred in the past to years in me is astounding! Thus reminding me to make RELENTLESS FORWARD PROGRESS!

What Just Happened? (Part One)

The following is about something that had recently been eating at my soul and heart... I've found that writing is cathartic, so here goes...

It was over two years since I had been in a relationship when I met her. We had had passing conversations at work, (I work at a detox and she works at one of the treatment centers we send our patients to)but never did they amount to much until one day when a co-worker phoned me to tell that she had confided in him that she was very interested in me. I had always found her attractive. She was a Latina with beautiful brown eyes and and a lovely smile and a sexy body.  So I set out to ask her out...

The following week I ran into her again at work, it was a Friday and I asked her for her number. She obliged and that night I called her. We made plans to go to the South Florida Fair the next night.  Saturday night arrived and I picked her up and we headed out to the fair. The traffic getting to the fairgrounds was horrific, so it gave us nearly an hour just to get to know each other in my car as we sat in it. When we finally arrived at the fair, we had a pretty good rapport. We conversed and had some laughs. When we got onto the Ferris Wheel, looking at me and said, "since I know your a little out of practice" she kissed me.  It was so romantic! We spent the rest of the night going on rides holding hands and having a great time until the crowd at the fair started to appear a bit "thuggish" and we decided to leave.

When we arrived at her apartment she invited me in and we sat on the couch making out. One thing led to another and I ended up spending the night. I should have known that wasn't a good sign... But it had been so long since I'd slept with a woman, I wasn't about to say no.

Things heated up quickly between us. Initially, I felt as if she was way too into me and I fought the urge to reciprocate. But the sex was amazing and we seemed to be able to communicate with each other well, so eventually I relaxed and let down my guard. And so it went, every Friday and Saturday I would either go to her apartment or she would come to my house and we would pack as much into the small time frame we had to spend together. This was necessary since she had three children that lived at home from her previous marriage. And since her ex took the kids for the weekend we could spend this time together.

Eventually, I fell for her and told her I loved her. She told me she had been in love with me since the first night we went out. Again, another sign post I neglected to pay attention to... And so we continued our weekly routine, with interspersed after work get togethers for coffee or a quicky at my house before she would pick up her children from school. I was quickly getting very comfortable with her and our relationship and soon felt like I had finally found someone who loved me for me. Who treated me like a man and wanted to take care of me. She would cook dinner for me (Excellent Dominican food) treat me like a king and telling me she wanted to do it because she loved me and that she couldn't believe that there were really men like me out there. I was so happy!

We did a lot in a short time, one night we went to a hockey game (The Blackhawks were in town) and she told me how much fun she had, as she had never been to an NHL game before. The conversation soon turned to how much her sons would love to do something like that. From there we began talking about how at some point she wanted me to meet her kids. The conversation then led to our future together and she asked me if I still thought about having children. Since that isn't something I have  had the chance to to do, I said if we were to stay together I would love to do that. She was so excited by this. She told me she had given up hope of ever finding anyone who would want to settle down with her and perhaps have another child. At that moment I was sure we were meant to be together...

As life is wont to do, it threw me a curveball and I reacted in an all too familiar way. I was given a demotion at my job because of office politics and because of some things I said about one of the managers. Justified possibly, but it was unprofessional on my behalf and word got back to the bosses and I my position was stripped from me. I was devastated and fell into a funk over it. I began to neglect my health and started smoking again. She did her best to be supportive and she expressed her concern for me. I guess looking back at it. This must have shattered the illusion she had of who I was as a man. I stayed in a funk for over a week. Finally, I accepted my situation and moved on. Perhaps I was so self involved, that I neglected her. I don't know, but I know it changed the way she saw me...

Then the day finally came to meet her children. I was nervous, but excited as well. It was a big step that I felt ready for. She had warned me that she would probably be a bit distant around the kids since this a first for her and she didn't want to overwhelm them either. The day went well, we took the kids to Chuck E Cheese, then did some shopping. We had dinner together at her house. Over all it went quite well, and I was happy with that. The next day was Friday and she called me saying that she needed a night to herself since she had the kids all week home for spring break. I wasn't upset and told her that was fine and that we'd se each other the next night.  Saturday came, and along with it her mood and overall demeanor changed... We went to dinner and I asked her what was going on. She told me she felt like she had rushed into having me meet her kids. At first I was hurt by this, but as she explained, she didn't know me as well as she felt she needed to. She was afraid of how I might react if one of her kids did something to upset me. Truthfully, I would never harm a child. But I could see where she was coming from.  That night we had sex for the last time. I wanted to make love, but that's not what she wanted... It was strange, but I didn't think much of it. Also during this time she had a flare up from her Lupus and she fell ill. So I chalked up her behavior to not feeling well and being overwhelmed by the events of the week. I did my best to be supportive and loving, but deep down something had changed and I couldn't put my finger on it. The following week I went to her house with pizza for her and the kids so she didn't have to cook for them because she was so exhausted from her condition. I also sent her flowers to try to brighten her mood, as I knew she wasn't feeling well and I wanted her to know that I was there for her. She was happy about the flowers, she said she had never had anyone send a floral arrangement to her before. But it didn't seem as if she was as appreciative as she would have been before. Later that week she texted me thanking me for the support and that she realized she hadn't been the best girlfriend lately. I told her to think nothing of it, that I loved her and only wanted her to feel better.


The following week, for the second time in a three week span her ex pawned the kids off on her and once again we were unable to spend the time we usually did together. I was so frustrated by this, but not at her, more so at her ex for being such an irresponsible father and being so unfair to her. Then on Saturday evening she texted me asking if I could talk on the phone and I called her. She then dropped a bomb on me that I wasn't prepared for... She was pregnant! We discussed the options and both agreed that not keeping the child would be best as neither of us were prepared for such an event at the time, not to mention the toll it had been taking on her health in conjunction with her Lupus. I was in shock, but I felt like we would make things work out. I had no idea what we were about to go through...

The next day she had to leave work early because her blood pressure was high and her pulse was off the chart and go to an urgent care. I went to her apartment and she was very distant, even somewhat hostile towards me. She soon realized she was acting this way and apologized. She however stated that she didn't want to talk about the pregnancy or the upcoming procedure to terminate it until after it was done. This was particularly hard for me as I am one who normally wants to talk about my feelings and work through them. But I agreed that if it was what she needed I would do my best to honor her request.

The days leading up to the procedure were very taxing emotionally. For one, it was the closest I'd ever been to being a father and the thought of not being able to follow through was making me quite sad. I did my best and confided in a few close friends of mine who were extremely supportive. When I spoke with her, she was distant and seemed annoyed when I mentioned I was taking care of myself by surrounding myself with supportive friends. Looking back, I realized she didn't have the same luxury and perhaps she was envious of it. With each passing day the distance between us seem to grow further. On the day of the procedure, things were tense as I drove her to the clinic and while we waited for her appointment. Following it, we had a blow out and she accused me of being selfish when I neglected to comment on her mentioning that her breast were getting bigger. I felt uncomfortable talking about such a thing as it seemed inappropriate considering what had just happened.  Eventually she calmed down and we talked things out. She apologized for being an "asshole" and she had been fair to me. I left her since she had to get her kids from school. But I felt like things were ok as I left, minus the fact that she was refusing to allow me to give her money for it. She said she didn't want me to be able to hold that over her. It mad no sense to me. I told her that if anything she should let me pay for at least half because I was half responsible for the situation. It was very frustrating. I knew she needed the money and she made comments about how she didn't know how she was going to make ends meet, yet she refused my help.

The next day at work she came to pick up the transfers and things were tense. I texted her apologizing and letting her know that I really wanted to pay for the procedure. She suggested we meet for dinner that evening and go for a walk to talk about things. We met and grabbed some pizza and walked down by the beach and sat on a park bench to talk. She proceeded to tell me that she had been fair to me throughout the week because she hadn't ever been with someone who was a supportive as I had been and it made her act out in such a manner. We had a heartfelt talk about the events of the past couple of weeks and seemed to be back to a place of understanding and support. However, she still refused to take money from me, even though she needed it. I walked her to her car and we kissed goodbye... (To be continued)