A New Day, A New Year

Happy New Year! I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that 2013 is here! 2012 was a real challenge... Even so, I acknowledge that regardless of how painfull last year was, it was all part if the lesson of life for me.

I'm excited for the possibilities that this new year holds. I just know that if I stay sober, all will work out.  Much gratitude for being sober this day.

Working Hard...

"A dream doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work."

Colin Powell

As the year comes to a close, I've been crafting a plan to pull myself out of the doldrums that have plagued me over this past year. Obviously the number one priority is to stay sober and continue to grow. Without sobriety, nothing is going to change.  The other big thing that has kept me down has been my financial situation, which has been adversely affected my quality of life, only to lead to drinking. 

One of the many great blessings is my job. I can work as much or as little as I care too. (The latter isn't such a great thing) So, in the new year, I'm gonna work a lot! If I follow through on my plan, I should be out of debt by mid-summer. This would be a huge accomplishment if I follow through!

The main reason I relapsed initially last year was due to financial stress. Money has always been an issue for me. I've always used it to regulate my feelings.  At the last rehab I discovered that impulse spending was a major event in my relapse mode. I've spent money on so much stuff just to escape how I was feeling, only to feel worse afterward, which of course spiraled into feelings of guilt and shame. Feelings that I had trouble talking about. The shame became so great that it compounded the depression that was feeding the actions to spend. All of which eventually led to my picking up the first drink...

It's time I changed this behavior. It's been a revolving door for as long as I care to remember. If I'm going to be successful in life, I need to master this part of me. I've been doing some goal setting as of late. I really want to achieve these goals! If I can attain financial stability, then a lot of good things can happen in my life! Things like travel, owning a place of my own, and most importantly, having a stable loving relationship with a woman. My lack of financial discipline has always been a major breaking point in all my relationships, that in time led me to drinking to escape... I'm done with it! I have a burning desire to succeed!   

Will this be easy? No, nothing worthwhile in life is ever really easy. I've been down this road of recovery enough times to know that it won't be easy. But the reward will be great if I'm willing to persevere. 

Longing

And I would search everywhere
Just to hear your call,
And walk upon stranger roads than this one
In a world I used to know before.
For now Ive lost everything,
I give to you my soul.
The meaning of all that I believed before
Escapes me in this world of none,
I miss you more.-Afterglow/Genesis

It's still so hard to let go... The lyrics above really capture my mood. So many faces, so many places to remind me...
The romantic in me just won't let the past go. It was such a good thing and I let it slip through my fingers...

Holi-daze

For only the second time in my career as a flight attendant, I'm spending Christmas Eve and day working a trip. This time it's by choice, last time I was too junior to hold it off. (many years ago)
So far it's going well. The people on the airplane have for the most part been very pleasant. It's been nice sharing complete stranger's excitement for the holiday. Especially the children! Right now, next to attending meetings, going to work has been keeping me sane.(I never have thought that before!)

Although this Christmas hasn't meant the same thing to me that it has in the past couple of years. I'm very grateful to be sober this year. When I look at where I was not that long ago, it's a miracle I'm alive and still have a job. While I miss spending this time of year with someone special, it's giving me an opportunity to reflect on where I've been, and where I want to go.

Pain is the touchstone of growth is what they say in the rooms. Well there ought to be an awful lot of growth coming my way! As I look towards the new year, I think of all the things I want to do in the coming year. Hopefully, this time next year, I'll be getting a tan on Bondi Beach. I'm planning on taking a trip to Australia for Christmas next year. It's going to be a reward to myself for staying sober. It's just one of many things I want to do in the coming year. It's time I get to spend some quality time with myself. Of course a lot of work needs to be done before that can happen. But I'm slowly getting more comfortable with the idea of being without a girlfriend. I need to be able to love myself, before I can love anyone else. In a way, I'm excited about what the next year will hold in store for me!

I hope everyone has a very merry holiday!
See you in the new year!

Far and Away

Feelings, they come and go, some days infrequently, others incessantly. It's been nearly a month since we parted ways, and my heart still aches... I do my best to carry on, yet the memories still linger. They say time heals all wounds. I'd like to believe this. But sometimes it doesn't seem be true.

Things are better, I'm not the basket case I was a month ago. But I still feel lonely. Sometimes I can't seem to wrap my mind around the idea that someone was so close at one time, is so far away now...

I accept full responsibility for the end of what at one time was so special. If I could turn back the clock I would change everything. But we don't get that chance in life. Besides, I had my chance, and I blew it...

The holidays just aren't the same without her. Life isn't the same for that matter. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss holding her in my arms. I miss us...

Getting By

Tonight was kinda strange. I went to my home group Christmas party. I felt strange there.

A year ago, I was in almost the same position. 60 plus days and announcing it at the meeting after the party. But this year I'm not feeling the holiday spirit. Mostly because this year I'm not spending it with anyone special. A year ago it wasn't that way...

I have a lot to be grateful for. I'm sober and alive. I still have friends and family that care and love me. Yet, I struggle with being without having someone to share intimate thoughts and feelings with.

I'm praying that the feelings will subside. That in the new year things will change for me.  So far things are getting better. It just that feelings of sadness for the loss of a loved one can be overwhelming.

I trust that God has a plan for me. But tonight I'm having a hard time...

Things Are Looking Up!

60 days today!  I've had a few things happen this week that helped me see that there are good things happening in my early recovery. Things are getting interesting! Here are the things that have happened...

One:  I met a fellow flight attendant from my company at a meeting and found out he lives nearby. It was really cool to find out I have someone else so close by that shares both recovery and the same career!

Second: A lady that I'm working with on the current trip I'm out on is also in recovery! We had a nice conversation about being sober on our DeadHead from Chicago to Buffalo.(Riding as a passenger,not working the flight) My sponsor pointed out this is God working in my life, that the fact that I was sitting next to another sober alcoholic at 33,000 ft was not a coincidence. I agree.

Third: Last night after we arrived in Ft. Myers and the passengers were deplaning. I had a real sense of love and compassion for everyone of those people as they left the aircraft. It was a moment of clarity for me. I realized that this is what it is all about,  love of others even if I don't know them.  I had a profound feeling of gratitude at that moment!

Fourth: Tonight as I was walking to a late night meeting here in Philadelphia, I stopped to take some pictures of the city hall and posted them on Facebook. When I arrived at the meeting, I checked my Facebook messages and I had a message from a friend who lives here. She told me she was in town and that there was a great meeting that we should meet at. It was the very place I was at! I called her and she met me there. It was a great meeting! I got to pick up my 60 day coin there. What a great way to end a day! I can't wait to come back!

So yes, things are looking up! Many blessings!

Growth

It's been nearly 60 days (58 to be exact) since I had my last drink. Hard to believe it's been that long. But, then again its been a slow going at times. So many mornings I've awakened to find myself in a feeling of panic. A feeling so strong its been a real challenge just get out of bed. Yet somehow, I've managed to put both feet on the floor and get up and get moving.

I'm still struggling with letting go of the things that I lost as a result of my relapse. The pain is so great that there are times I just want to crawl back to bed and hide under the covers. But I know that that'll get me nowhere fast. I've said to myself, "Nothing changes if nothing changes" so many times it's become a mantra. The good news is that I am changing. Slowly, maybe in minute ways, but If I look back on where I was 60 days ago, a month ago, or even a week ago, and I can see growth.  It hasn't been easy, but I have faith that as long as I keep moving forward, things will get better.

I wrestle with the fact that all of the pain and suffering I have endured is of my own making. I can't blame others for it. The decisions I made in the past were of a selfish nature. In the end I pushed all those who love me away, so it can hardly be a surprise when some of them said enough is enough. I try not to live in the past, what's done is done. Still, I find myself asking myself "Why couldn't you see it then?" Thank goodness for others in my life that remind me that my higher power has a plan for me. That if I trust in the process, this will all make sense someday.

I'm working hard at learning to forgive myself, to love myself, despite what my negative thoughts are.  Today I saw my therapist today and he helped me see some things about myself that explain why I'm so hard on myself,  why I haven't been able to truly "let someone in." The thing that I that I crave is to be loved, yet I don't allow it to happen.  There is a deep seeded belief within that refuses to recognize that I am a good man, that I deserve good things, that I deserve love. No matter what others tell me, I've always brushed it aside. Well, from this point forward I'm going to "savor" (my therapist word)  positive things that others say to me.  It was explained that my ability to internalize positive messages is like a muscle that needs to be exorcised.  Mine has atrophied for too long. Time to take it to the gym and build it up!  So this week I'll take in the good, ignore the bad, and continue to grow!

Moving On...

I think I've finally reached a place where I can move on from the past. I've been clinging so tightly to something that just wasn't meant to be...

Letting go of the past can be very painful, but I believe in the end, once we do so, we can go onto better things. Relationships in particular are very hard to let go of. Something I've been struggling with a lot lately. But it's time to move on. If I don't, I'll never move forward...

I know that in time things will feel better, and that I'll feel better. But for now, I'm just taking everything a day at a time.

Staying Connected- I Can't Do This Alone

Today I was reminded of why it is so important for me to stay in touch with others in recovery. I woke up with a deep sense of impending doom this morning, that resulted in my not getting out of bed until much later than I intended. Once I got up, I did my usual morning ritual of prayer and meditation, yet I felt disconnected. Finally, it dawned on me that perhaps it might be good to make some phone calls to a few friends. Initially, I got only voicemail, but I left a couple of messages. Finally a friend returned a call. The content of the conversation wasn't what mattered, but the feeling of knowing that someone else out there understood how I felt made the feeling of isolation dissipate.

After speaking with my friend I had a renewed feeling of hope, which led me to attend two meetings back to back this evening. While waiting at Starbucks before the first meeting I ran into a friend that I really respect. We had a nice conversation as we walked to the meeting. Again the feelings of loneliness subsided. The connection of one recovering person speaking and listening to another is so powerful!

After the first meeting, I spoke with another guy that I've known in recovery for a while. I hadn't seen him in some time, but talking to him helped me greatly. During the meeting I shared that I was a "chronic relapser." He shared with me his experience of saying the same thing in his early days, and that someone pulled him aside and reminded him that he wasn't in relapse mode, and that if he kept referring to himself that way, he probably would continue to be just that. He told me that once he heard this tidbit, he stopped thinking of himself that way, and he's stayed sober ever since. This was invaluable to me! It helped reset my course, and I've been feeling much better this evening.

If I hadn't reached out earlier today, I might have missed out on that very important piece of information! My usual way of doing things would have left me feeling worse and further removed from humanity. Gratefully, I did the next right thing and as they say the rest is history. So in closing I'm reminded of something my sponsor says continually , "Stay close and stay connected!"

Next Right Thing

Day 46: The past couple of days have gone better. I'm a little more at peace with the changes that have recently happened in my life. But my heart is still broken. It will take time for that to pass...

I know that no matter what, I have to stay sober. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. And nothing good will happen if I don't work on me. Finding what it is that keeps me from asking for help when I really need it will be key. I know that going to a lot of meetings and reaching out to other men in recovery is paramount. I've been on the phone a lot, and checking in with my sponsor daily. None of which I'm writing about is news to me. It's the practice of it that I have had trouble with in the past. There is one thing beyond not taking a drink that will help me stay sober. It's called doing the next right thing.

What is the next right thing? It can be as simple as doing my dishes or making my bed. Or it can be reaching out to another suffering alcoholic. I've been keeping a journal of my days and accessing my activities at the end of my day. Sort of a 10th Step. I'm able to see where I did the next right thing, and when I didn't. It's been helpful. Just seeing that I'm doing a few things right keeps me from beating up on myself. And when I fall short, I just ask for God's help in making the changes the next day. So far it's been working. I'm trying to make this a habit. A mini inventory can reveal a lot!

I'm still struggling with getting up right away in the morning. I'm hoping this will get easier as time passes. I've found running in the afternoon helps me clear my mind. I'm gonna try to start doing it in the morning instead, it'll probably be easier to do so once the running gets easier. I'm just back to running three miles at a time. My past experience with running tells me that once I've done it for a couple of weeks, it becomes a part of me, and then I look forward to doing it!

It's about action, and keeping the momentum going forward.