I was inspired by someone else's blog post to begin the process of writing again. I was reminded by the author how powerful words can be. And just how cathartic writing really is. The last time I wrote anything, I was dealing with a lot of heartache and self loathing. I'm grateful to report that in the 20 some months since I last entered anything in the space I'm typing in, things have changed drastically for the better.
When I last wrote, I was still struggling with saying sober. I was full of remorse and regret. I had ended a two year relationship a few months earlier, one that took me another year to finally let go of. Eventually all that guilt and shame overwhelmed me and I succumbed to the lure of liquid oblivion...
It was 3:00 am or so on April 15th when I come out of a two week blackout. (a time frame I pieced together a few days later, which shook me to my core) I was lying on the floor of my apartment with an empty half gallon of cheap vodka next to my head. I thought to myself, "Ok, that's not good." Then I sat up and noticed my apartment was littered with several other empty half gallons of the same rotgut along with numerous empty cans and bottles of beer. My foggy head was barely able to comprehend what I was seeing. Then I realized that I was supposed to work in three hours. A panic took hold. I knew that I was already on thin ice with my employer and with nature of my job at the time it would have been impossible for me to go into work. So I called in sick, only to find that there had been an emergency sick call contingency put in place that would require me to go to a company doctor. At that moment I knew the jig was up. I began franticly calling treatment centers in Florida to get myself back into treatment. Again... This was going to be the third time in a years time. That evening, I hauled a bag from my apartment to the L and made my way to Midway Airport. Little did I know that it was going to be the last time I would make that trip as a resident of Chicago.
Later that night I downed my last glass of scotch on the plane. The last drink I ever took...
A week later I was out of detox and in my latest rehab. I was broken, hopeless and feeling as if I would never feel the sense of being free ever again. But in that treatment center, I began to make small progress. I was finished fighting. I began toying around with the idea of staying Florida. It wasn't long before the that issue was resolved. One day after a group, my therapist pulled me aside and told me my sister had called to say that I had been evicted from my apartment. So all of my worldly possessions other that the cloths and what few items I had brought with me were now gone. I had burned almost every bridge I had built to safety had been torched, so I had no one to ask to get my things. So, it was settled, I would go to a halfway house after treatment and try to rebuild a life for myself.
I spent 90 days in treatment, the went to a halfway house for five months after that. During that time I decided with the guidance of a therapist to quit my career of 17 years for my sobriety. Eventually I moved into a house with three of my friends. I struggled to find work that was satisfying for my first year in Florida. But I never gave up hope. With support of my many friends in recovery who supported me I kept putting one foot in front of the other and I eventually got a job working in treatment. It wasn't the best experience, but I persevered and eventually I was given the opportunity to work at a detox center. I've been there for a few months now and I love it!
In the past 20 months my life has transformed. I'm no longer broken. I have hope. I am free again. The other night I had the opportunity to take four men from the treatment center that helped save my life out to a meeting. When I walked into the office to pick up the guys, two of the behavioral techs that had been working there when I started my journey were working. They both commented on how much I had changed. We talked about what I had been up to and it became quite apparent to me that I had changed, and a I had changed for the better. That night after I dropped the guys off I reflected upon the events that had led up to that night. A great sense of gratitude washed over me. When I went to bed I knelt in prayer. And the words "thank you" came out of my mouth with a power I had never felt before. I slept like a baby that night...
