Awareness

Somehow, somewhere, I lost my earbuds. I discovered this as I was getting ready to leave the apartment on my way to work this morning. With an hour plus ride on the L to the airport, I wasn't very happy about it. However, it was a small gift from the universe.

As I walked down the street to the train stop, I heard birds singing in the trees. It was something that I realized that it had been quite sometime since I've heard that lovely sound. Once on the train I heard conversations of the other passengers. Some were sad, like the homeless lady who was talking to herself. I had a moment of gratitude, silently thanking my higher power for all the gifts I have.

Once I arrived at the airport, I noticed how the walk from the station to the terminal seemed different. I became aware of my gate as I strode along. I could hear the sound of my feet as the propelled me through the corridor to the airport. I noticed the echoing of each step as well. That is when it struck me how often I block out the outside world and reside in my own mind.

Recently read an email from Jeff Kober that discussed how awareness is just as important as a daily meditation practice. (something I do) in the email he spoke of meeting a guru and wanted to ask him of his secrets. The guru asked him to describe how he (Jeff) put on his shoes that morning. The author had no recollection. So the interview ended. The next day he approached the guru again asking the same questions. This time the guru asked him to describe what he noticed when he brushed his teeth. Again the author didn't recall much and the interview abruptly ended again. It finally dawned on the author what the guru was trying to teach him. Awareness. It is so vital to be completely present to what is going on in the moment. Each moment is a gift, something to be savored and enjoyed. This morning brought home that lesson to me. I know I'm a long way from being completely aware, but it's a start!

Are you aware?

Fellowship

Lately, I've been fortunate enough to spend time with friends in the program outside of the rooms.
It's been awesome! Because of fellowship, it's made this past Valentine's Day more palatable. Wednesday, I awoke to thoughts of doom and gloom. Then I turned on the news, and they started in on about Valentine's Day this, and Valentine's Day that... It turned my mood from bad to worse!

I wasn't really looking forward to Thursday. Not that I've ever been a big fan of the Hallmark Card holiday in the best of times, but this year it seemed as if I would really dread it. Thankfully, I got out of the foul mood I was in and went to a meeting, which led to eating dinner with a couple of friends afterward. By the end of the night, I was in a great mood. After having some laughs and general guy talk, I felt so much better about my situation. I went to bed with a calm demeanor, and slept well.

Thursday, I expected more of the same feelings and thoughts I had Wednesday morning, but that wasn't the case. Perhaps, it's because I made plans to see a movie with another buddy of mine that day. I think making plans in advance really helped eliminate the pain of not spending V.D. with my her.

The group of guys I've been hanging out with are all in early recovery like myself. It's been really great getting to know them. We share a lot in common. And they all have a wicked sense of humor! When I was in rehab, I was told I would need to "stay with the men" in my first year of recovery. Honestly, I wasn't to keen on that notion. However, I'm beginning to see the value of building strong bonds with other men in recovery. I have a safety net now. I trust these guys to help me when I need it. Besides, I need a woman in my life, like I need a bottle in my hand... My emotions are just to volatile. I need to continue to grow spiritually, emotionally, and finally mentally before I can be in a relationship with the opposite sex.

Here's to fellowship!

Contentment

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.  -Epicurus

I'm thinking about how good my life really is as I ride the Metra back into the city after visiting my sister and her family.

Four months ago my situation was not pretty. Lost at the bottom of a whisky bottle, oblivion was all I knew.  Yet, today I'm free of that obsession. I nearly threw it all away.  Today it behooves me to remember that all that I have is a gift.

Days like today are especially precious. I woke up sober. Clear headed and able to focus on the day ahead. I was able to show up to a meeting, have breakfast with my sponsor, and hear the things that help me stay on the beam. Then I was able to go to the burbs, spend time with family and enjoy their company. Both of my nieces are going out into the world via the US Navy. I might not get the chance to spend time with them along with the rest of my sister's family again. So I'm very grateful I got to be present today.  Three months ago, I wasn't in the same position...

So, when I fret over the things I don't have, I'm really not being grateful. For what I have today is more than enough. I was sure at one point that I'd lost all of my relationships. Thankfully, that isn't the case. I did lose one important one, but I'm beginning to see that maybe it was what was needed for me to get serious about my recovery. Yes, I miss that person a great deal. But if losing them is what gets me to stay sober, then maybe it is a blessing...

Today I have a sense of contentment. And for that, I'm grateful.

Self Discovery

"Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle!"-Alice in Wonderland

The past three and a half months, this has been a question I've been pondering.
I used to identify myself by the things I owned, the people I held close to me, and the things I did. To some extent, some of this was true. But deep down inside, the question went unanswered.

Truthfully, the question remains. But, I'm becoming more aware that the answer resides in my spiritual connection. Because of this, I've become more comfortable with the parts of myself that I am familar with.

My therapist asked me to give him three examples of things I like about myself. Recently, I noticed that I have the gift to make others feel good. It seems so odd that I only became aware of this, considering I noticed it while working. The thing is, that is what I was hired to do almost 17 years ago...  I also listed that I have a good sense of humor, and that I'm relatively intelligent.

Three months ago I couldn't have come up with one thing. I was so lost in my own misery, that the idea of anything positive was buried. Thankfully, that is changing.  I still struggle with negative thoughts, but I'm getting better at redirecting them. Thoughts that tell me I'm unlovable, that I'm unworthy of good things, that I can't stay sober; are less prevalent. All of which can be paralyzing when I'm not staying connected spiritually.

I'm only making a beginning, but I'm grateful for the progress I've made in this journey of self discovery!