Busy Bee

"fac et aliquid operis, ut semper te diabolus inveniat occupatum". (Roughly translated-Idle hands are the devil's workshop)    -St.Jerome

The past week has been much better than the last.  Mainly because I've kept myself occupied.  I worked six days in a row. I've found that when I'm on the airplane tending to the needs of my passengers,  I get a vacation from my troubled mind. Being of service to others is key to feeling better about myself.  When I'm helping others I don't have time to fret about the things that drive the "itty bitty shitty committee" into action.

I also gradually made myself get up earlier each day. This has been a big help in combatting depression. For the first time in a long while I got up before 6:30AM today. I was out of the apartment by 7:30, went to the gym. Came home, showered and was gone until 10:30 tonight! 

My day was filled with appointments, meetings and fellowship.  I can't remember the last time I've had such a day. It's amazing how much better I feel!

So, the moral of the story is: stay busy, life will take care of itself!

Humility

HUMILITY: Perpetual quietness of heart.It is to have no trouble.   It is never to be  fretted, or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me.  It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble.                                                                           - Dr. Robert Smith (aka Dr. Bob)

I heard the above for the first time this evening. It really spoke to my heart, especially considering the week I've had!

My other illness, depression has had me in it's grip.  No matter how much I wanted to get things done, I just couldn't muster the strength to do them.  Along with the lack of energy,  thoughts of worthlessness and utter failure plagued me. Despite the fact that I've been facing some really big issues that I've for too long ignored, I just couldn't see how far I've come in 150 days...

It crept up on me last week.  In subtle way... It started when I fell into a habit of staying up too late, subsequently leading to getting up later each day. I just couldn't sleep and then I couldn't get out of bed once I'd fallen asleep. Then the thoughts of shame over my relapse began to overwhelm me. I got all twisted up over the things I lost as a result of it. All the pain of the losses began to suck me down like quicksand.  It was one of the worst places I've been emotionally in recent memory...

What does all of this have to do with humility? For three days, I laid in bed not reaching out for help. Thinking it would all go away if I could just ignore it.Once again, I had fallen into to trap of my alcoholic thinking.  Coupled with the depression it was just too much for me to deal with alone. It wasn't until I got to meeting and talked about the thoughts and feelings I'd been dealing with (that and meeting up with my sponsor) that I began practicing any form of humility. Once I shared the truth of my situation, the pain was reduced. Instead of turning to the bottle for relief, I reached out for help. This all led me back to my practice of prayer and meditation, that in doing so I found a respite.

Today, I met with my therapist.  He helped me to reach out for medical help to additionally assist in dealing with the depression.  Gratefully, the obsession to drink has been lifted. But if I hadn't humbled myself enough to ask for help, that might not have lasted.

From all of this I've learned just how important it is that I use humility to deal with my dual diagnosis. The gift is that I finally realize just how much help I have at my disposal! I no longer have to struggle alone!

Awareness

Somehow, somewhere, I lost my earbuds. I discovered this as I was getting ready to leave the apartment on my way to work this morning. With an hour plus ride on the L to the airport, I wasn't very happy about it. However, it was a small gift from the universe.

As I walked down the street to the train stop, I heard birds singing in the trees. It was something that I realized that it had been quite sometime since I've heard that lovely sound. Once on the train I heard conversations of the other passengers. Some were sad, like the homeless lady who was talking to herself. I had a moment of gratitude, silently thanking my higher power for all the gifts I have.

Once I arrived at the airport, I noticed how the walk from the station to the terminal seemed different. I became aware of my gate as I strode along. I could hear the sound of my feet as the propelled me through the corridor to the airport. I noticed the echoing of each step as well. That is when it struck me how often I block out the outside world and reside in my own mind.

Recently read an email from Jeff Kober that discussed how awareness is just as important as a daily meditation practice. (something I do) in the email he spoke of meeting a guru and wanted to ask him of his secrets. The guru asked him to describe how he (Jeff) put on his shoes that morning. The author had no recollection. So the interview ended. The next day he approached the guru again asking the same questions. This time the guru asked him to describe what he noticed when he brushed his teeth. Again the author didn't recall much and the interview abruptly ended again. It finally dawned on the author what the guru was trying to teach him. Awareness. It is so vital to be completely present to what is going on in the moment. Each moment is a gift, something to be savored and enjoyed. This morning brought home that lesson to me. I know I'm a long way from being completely aware, but it's a start!

Are you aware?

Fellowship

Lately, I've been fortunate enough to spend time with friends in the program outside of the rooms.
It's been awesome! Because of fellowship, it's made this past Valentine's Day more palatable. Wednesday, I awoke to thoughts of doom and gloom. Then I turned on the news, and they started in on about Valentine's Day this, and Valentine's Day that... It turned my mood from bad to worse!

I wasn't really looking forward to Thursday. Not that I've ever been a big fan of the Hallmark Card holiday in the best of times, but this year it seemed as if I would really dread it. Thankfully, I got out of the foul mood I was in and went to a meeting, which led to eating dinner with a couple of friends afterward. By the end of the night, I was in a great mood. After having some laughs and general guy talk, I felt so much better about my situation. I went to bed with a calm demeanor, and slept well.

Thursday, I expected more of the same feelings and thoughts I had Wednesday morning, but that wasn't the case. Perhaps, it's because I made plans to see a movie with another buddy of mine that day. I think making plans in advance really helped eliminate the pain of not spending V.D. with my her.

The group of guys I've been hanging out with are all in early recovery like myself. It's been really great getting to know them. We share a lot in common. And they all have a wicked sense of humor! When I was in rehab, I was told I would need to "stay with the men" in my first year of recovery. Honestly, I wasn't to keen on that notion. However, I'm beginning to see the value of building strong bonds with other men in recovery. I have a safety net now. I trust these guys to help me when I need it. Besides, I need a woman in my life, like I need a bottle in my hand... My emotions are just to volatile. I need to continue to grow spiritually, emotionally, and finally mentally before I can be in a relationship with the opposite sex.

Here's to fellowship!

Contentment

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.  -Epicurus

I'm thinking about how good my life really is as I ride the Metra back into the city after visiting my sister and her family.

Four months ago my situation was not pretty. Lost at the bottom of a whisky bottle, oblivion was all I knew.  Yet, today I'm free of that obsession. I nearly threw it all away.  Today it behooves me to remember that all that I have is a gift.

Days like today are especially precious. I woke up sober. Clear headed and able to focus on the day ahead. I was able to show up to a meeting, have breakfast with my sponsor, and hear the things that help me stay on the beam. Then I was able to go to the burbs, spend time with family and enjoy their company. Both of my nieces are going out into the world via the US Navy. I might not get the chance to spend time with them along with the rest of my sister's family again. So I'm very grateful I got to be present today.  Three months ago, I wasn't in the same position...

So, when I fret over the things I don't have, I'm really not being grateful. For what I have today is more than enough. I was sure at one point that I'd lost all of my relationships. Thankfully, that isn't the case. I did lose one important one, but I'm beginning to see that maybe it was what was needed for me to get serious about my recovery. Yes, I miss that person a great deal. But if losing them is what gets me to stay sober, then maybe it is a blessing...

Today I have a sense of contentment. And for that, I'm grateful.

Self Discovery

"Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle!"-Alice in Wonderland

The past three and a half months, this has been a question I've been pondering.
I used to identify myself by the things I owned, the people I held close to me, and the things I did. To some extent, some of this was true. But deep down inside, the question went unanswered.

Truthfully, the question remains. But, I'm becoming more aware that the answer resides in my spiritual connection. Because of this, I've become more comfortable with the parts of myself that I am familar with.

My therapist asked me to give him three examples of things I like about myself. Recently, I noticed that I have the gift to make others feel good. It seems so odd that I only became aware of this, considering I noticed it while working. The thing is, that is what I was hired to do almost 17 years ago...  I also listed that I have a good sense of humor, and that I'm relatively intelligent.

Three months ago I couldn't have come up with one thing. I was so lost in my own misery, that the idea of anything positive was buried. Thankfully, that is changing.  I still struggle with negative thoughts, but I'm getting better at redirecting them. Thoughts that tell me I'm unlovable, that I'm unworthy of good things, that I can't stay sober; are less prevalent. All of which can be paralyzing when I'm not staying connected spiritually.

I'm only making a beginning, but I'm grateful for the progress I've made in this journey of self discovery!

Two Different Sides Of The Same Coin

"We are people who normally would not mix. But there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful. We are like the passengers of a great liner the moment after rescue from shipwreck when camaraderie, joyousness and democracy pervade the vessel from steerage to Captain’s table. Unlike the feelings of the ship’s passengers, however, our joy in escape from disaster does not subside as we go our in dividual ways. The feeling of having shared in a com mon peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined." -Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 17

Tonight I am reminded of how varied the people in recovery are. No matter what we do, where we came from, or what rung of the social ladder we hang onto; we all share a common problem, but more importantly we share a common solution. Yet, those differences make for a beautiful mix!

My own list of friends include doctors, truck drivers, airline pilots, school teachers, architects and even bar tenders. They are from small towns, big cities, and other countries. Before coming into the rooms, I was very close minded towards people who I perceived as "different" than me. Because of the need of support of others to stay sober, that has gladly changed! That's not to say I'm not judgmental of others, but I've learned to question those judgements and the authenticity of their roots. Too often we (I) can get caught up in self and can easily block ourselves (myself) from the richness of those around us. I believe now it is because we are all so different, (yet alike) that we can learn so much from each other. That wasn't always the case...

Just tonight, I met a friend on an overnight who happens to be an airline pilot. We attended a meeting together and had a bite to eat. After returning to my hotel, I had a nice conversation with another friend who is a truck driver over the phone. If I hadn't met these guys under the circumstances that we've met, I probably wouldn't have them as a friends. We come from different worlds, yet we identify with each other on a level that is intrinsic. Despite the shared struggles, I have found that our differences can be just as enlightening. I learn so much because of their differences from me! If it weren't for my active participation in recovery, I would be missing out on so much!

Thank God for differences!

100

One Hundred days have passed since alcohol has passed my lips. One hundred days mixed with pain, regret, sorrow, learning, self discovery, acceptance and finally gratitude... Officially program wise it isn't a significant number, but I choose to honor and recognize it. A lot has happened in the preceding days. Time for a recap...

October 17, 2012: I woke up in a detox unit, well I got of a hospital bed since I really didn't sleep my first night on the unit. My roommate, was a terrible snorer. Couple that with the anxiety of being back in surroundings that I swore I wouldn't ever see again, I went without sleep. After getting up, I found the day room. I grabbed a cup of nasty tasting decaf coffee and looked around to notice I was one of three Caucasians in a room dominated by African American and Latinos. I remember thinking to myself, "what have you got yourself into this time?"
The first lesson I was to learn in my first six days, was that no matter the difference of color, ethnic, or economic background, alcoholics and addicts all share the same pain and suffering. I also learned that no matter who, what or where, when we group together; we can help each other.
Over the next six days, I grew to love all of those people. I felt a kinship with every one of them.

October 20, 2012: I left the detox unit with my sponsor and came back to my apartment to clean out all of the left over booze so that when I returned from my 28 days of rehab it would be a safe place. I wasn't prepared for what we walked into... My apartment looked like a squatters flat. There were empty bottles and beer cans strewn all about. Food that had been partially eaten was on the floor. After six days of drinking, I had created a disgusting mess... It took us a good hour to get rid of everything and try to make the place look presentable enough for my return. Truthfully, I was shocked at where my life had ended up after taking the first drink. Gratefully, that was the extent of the damage. After all, I hadn't seriously hurt myself or anyone else, or wound up in jail...

October 21, 2012: I found myself in the beautiful surroundings of Father Martin's Ashley. I was greeted by smiling faces and warm welcomes. At first, I thought someone had made a mistake in sending me to such nice place. After all, I really didn't feel like I deserved to be there.
I soon found out that there was a lot more to this place than great food (they have a chef on staff)and a scenic view of the Chesapeake. The next 28 days were to be some of the toughest I've ever encountered. There was no television, no music and a very intensive schedule of lectures, groups and 12 Step meetings. From 6:00 AM to 9:00 PM on most days we had someplace to be. Even the recreational activities kept me busy. I learned a great deal about the relapse process, the neurobiology of chemical dependence, and many other things. But what has helped me the most was how to open up to other men and to be honest. (thankfully, they kept the sexes as separate as possible) At around the third week there a group of us would gather before bedtime and have very honest conversations. We had some laughs too, but mostly we supported whoever needed it the most on the given night. I grew very close to some of those guys. There were some amazing men there. Some of whom I'm still in contact with. I'll be forever grateful for those evening chats. They really helped me so much!

November 21, 2012: When I stepped out of the van that took me to BWI, I was so scared. I wasn't sure how or if I could stay sober outside of the safe haven of F.M.A.. I was greeted with two challenges right off the bat. During my sabbatical, my phone had been turned off. Normally not a big deal, but for some reason I wasn't able make a payment out of my bank account. And much to my dismay, in the age of cell phones; finding a pay phone to correct the problem wasn't an option! So there I was stuck in Baltimore with no access to other sober people. To make matters worse, there was fog in Chicago, so my flight was delayed for nearly three hours... I have been in the wilderness alone in my lifetime, but never have I felt so isolated, ironic, considering I was in an airport the day before Thanksgiving! I must have said the serenity prayer every ten minutes until I got on the plane! Somehow I made it home, rectified my communication and banking problems and didn't pick up a drink! I often hear don't forget your last day of drinking. I however don't ever want to forget that four hours spent in Baltimore!

November 27, 2012: I met her for coffee. It was one of the most painful hours of my life. She told me she was through. That she couldn't go on because my relapsing was too much for her. I wanted to beg and plead with her not to go, but in my heart I knew she was right in what she was doing. As we left the coffee shop, we hugged and parted ways. I haven't seen her since. The hole in my heart was so enormous, I didn't think it would ever heal... Somehow, I managed to arrange to meet a friend for meeting (one of my readers) afterward. It was probably the best thing I could have ever done. It set the tone from that moment on. I was learning to reach out for help...

December 25-January 1, 2012/13: Somehow, I made it though the holidays. I look back now and see that if it weren't for some important people in my life, I couldn't have done it. Christmas was spent working. It helped keep my mind off of being lonely over the holiday. New Years Day was spent with some friends and at meetings. Both days passed without a desire to drink. I didn't think that would be possible a month before...

January 2-24, 2013: Things have really progressed in the last 22 days. I've made some new friendships as a result of continuing to attend the same meetings regularly. Old friendships have been bolstered as well. The amount of gratitude I have experienced has really grown in the past two weeks. I'm at the point where I look forward to going to meetings. My heartache has subsided a lot. Although there are moments of grief, for the most part I am no longer paralyzed by it. The sense of who I am is starting to come back. I'm gaining a "can do" attitude. Even my financial situation seems more manageable than I thought it would be. When I was in rehab, I was convinced that there was no way I would be able to survive. The picture looked bleak. But somehow, someway, the money has been there when I needed it. I also learned that telling the truth to my building manager didn't hurt. She let me pay this month's rent a few days late without any penalty. A small, but important victory...

As I go forward, I know that things will continue to get better. But I must always remain humble, teachable, and honest. I've been. Down this path before, I know what complacency and cockiness will get me. Here's to the next one hundred days! (a day at a time of course)

Out of the Box!

Apathy and depression are the prices we pay for having settled for and bought into our smallness. It's what we get for having played the victim and allowed ourselves to be programmed. It's the price we pay for having bought into negativity. It's what results from resisting the part of ourselves that is loving, courageous, and great. It results from allowing ourselves to be invalidated by ourselves or other; it is the consequence of holding ourselves in a negative context. In reality, it is only a definition of ourselves that we have unwittingly allowed to happen. The way out is to become more conscious.
David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D.,
Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender


The passage above came from a daily email I get. The timing was perfect! When I think about all the negative thoughts that cross my mind, it's no wonder I've had my share of depression and apathy! How often have I allowed myself to be programmed in a negative light? Whether from things others have said, or from my own negative thinking; I've let myself feel small and insignificant.

In the past three months, I've had my share of both. Mostly due to my own thinking. Lately, I've been paying more attention to how my thinking influences my moods. Invariably my moods have been a result of uninspired thoughts of myself. Especially thoughts of the mistakes I made leading up to my relapse. Truth be told, I've had more than my share of regrets. But the simple truth is that I'm no longer living in the past. It's my choice if I want to continue to revisit the errors of yesterday. Sure, I don't want to forget the things that could lead me astray again, but I can't change the results of the past. Its time to move forward, let go of the past and look to the future by staying present, and remembering that today well lived leads to a brighter future! Time to break out of the box that has held me back!

Turn The Page

As I pass through the first quarter of what I pray will be the first of many years of recovery, (a day at a time) I'm beginning to believe that all of what I've gone though in the past three and a half months might actually be for a reason...

I think that because it was so scary and because I felt so hopeless early on, that I'm really savoring being sober a day at a time. One of my daily meditation readings reminded me of how critical it is that I never forget who and what I am, and where I've come from. Time and time again, I've done this; to my own peril... I pray I never forget that I'm not in charge, and that without a program if recovery and a higher power; I'm doomed!

Because I'm so stubborn, it takes me an awful lot of pain to learn the hard lessons. I'm hoping that the pain I recently endured will be the catalyst for my continued growth and learning. Like the picture in this post, I'm a slow learner... Time to turn the page!

Learning to Walk (Or Think)

"I'm learning to walk again- I believe I've waited long enough- Where do I begin?- Walk/Foo Fighters

As I approach 90 days, I'm just beginning to get my spiritual feet under me. However, slowly, but surely, my conscious awareness of a higher power working in my life is growing. My emotions are starting to come under control, I have less fluctuation in them then I had two months ago. I think this is because I'm becoming more alert to my thought processes.

I learned that feelings are preceded by a thought, usually a false assumption, or negative belief that I've harbored for God only knows how long. The key is to challenge such thoughts. Say, for instance I think to myself, "Since she's gone, I'll never find anyone to love me!" Is this true? My experience tells me it isn't. Sure, I'm gonna experience feelings of loss, but I've always bounced back, eventually to find someone new to share my love with.

This is my life, everyday, continually battling thoughts that usually aren't based in reality. Fear based, thoughts that have the power to cripple me. Gratefully, I'm getting better at challenging these thoughts. It's a never ending exercise! I'm truly beginning to see that I suffer from a "thinking" disease. I'm learning to "walk" again...

The Past Is The Past...

A new year has begun, a whole new year of possibilities and promise. Last year wasn't exactly what I'd call a banner year for me. With two trips to two different rehabs and the regrettable breakup of a two year relationship, it wasn't exactly my best year.

This year is starting off in a fine fashion. I've been to a lot of meetings and spent some quality time with both old and new friends. I'm finally beginning to let go of what is behind me. It hasn't been easy. I still have fond memories of the time before I relapsed. Things were as good as they could have ever been. But, I made some poor choices that took all of that away...

I don't know what the future holds for me, but I have faith that whatever it is, it'll be more amazing than anything I can imagine. So far in the 81 days I've been sober, I've had a couple of new friends added to my life. I'm really grateful for them! The amazing thing is that they work where I work, and are also from where I'm from!

Surrender, But Don't Give Up!

I have finally surrendered to the fact that life as I knew it will never be the same. The person I was has gone.  I'm turning the page and moving forward.

I recently came across a quote that read: "I might not have ended up where I was heading, but I ended up where I belong." I'm really beginning to see this coming true in my own life. The first two months of my sobriety were rocky. There were many times when I wondered if I would be able to go on.  But somehow, I managed to keep showing up, and trusting the process. 

In the short while that I've been sober, a lot of cool things have happened.  I have been fortunate enough to become friends with a could of guys from work who are also sober. Its been really cool going to meetings and fellowshiping with them.

Things are getting better, a day at a time! I'm realizing that I'm right where I need to be. Knowing that if I continue to surrender to the fact that I can never drink again, my life will continue to get better. I just cant give up!