This Too Shall Pass

Today is day 43 of my recovery. In all of my experience of sobriety(18 years of in and out) I have never felt so low. This time around is really miserable. Not that I'm not grateful to get one last chance of getting this, but this time has been less than enjoyable. Thankfully the thought of drinking hasn't been there, but the feelings of sadness and hopelessness have been an ever constant companion. Perhaps this is a blessing. I know that it does get better, that it takes time, but I'm certain that I don't EVER want to feel this way again! I pray that I never forget how hard it's been...

I'm struggling with the losses that are a result of my decision to drink again. While I'm still employed, still have friends and family by my side, the most important thing I've lost is causing me a great deal of pain. Sadly, the pain I'm feeling is probably being shared by someone else. My disease has taken so much from me. My sense of self is at an all time low. The relationships I had are either over, or strained. Financially I'm in the toilet. Emotionally I'm a wreck. Spiritually I'm bankrupt. But I'm alive and sober. So I'm still in the game. It's going to take a lot of hard work and a lot of patience. But I'm trying to have faith THAT THIS TOO SHALL PASS...

Manifesto For A New Life

I have finally hit rock bottom. My soul is laid bare for the world to see. Now what am I going to do about it? For starters, no more self-pity. It is a poison that corrodes the very fabric of existence. Time to put on the big boy pants and go to work. All of the pain and suffering I've endured in the recent past will be the fuel by which I will carve out a new life. Yes there will be setbacks. But I will not wilt in the face of defeat any longer!

I have but one life to live. Why waste the minutes pining for the past? The past is where it shall remain. Time to live for today! For today well lived brings the hope of a bright tomorrow. I will no longer settle for second best. The world is my oyster, and I shall pluck it from its shell! I will live life to its fullest. I will be the man that can be counted on. I will be the friend who's there when I'm needed most. The brother and the son who can love and be loved.

I will make something of myself, something that can be of service to others. Enough of selfish pride. Time to go forth into that good night. To be the man God intended me to be. Strong, self confident, assured and companionate. Today is the day I start this mission. No more tears wasted, only tears of joy. For today I am the master of my reality. I have a DESIRE to be something other than what I've been. With God's help and the support of good friends I will make this dream a reality!

Again...

39 days ago I came out of the haze of a six day binge that can only be described as a living Hell...
I ended up in detox for six days, then went to Maryland for rehab at Father Martin's Ashley for 28 days. Now I'm faced with the reality of my situation. I lost the love of someone that I still love dearly, worst yet I lost what little self-esteem I had from my last recovery from my last relapse.

It's been a real struggle trying to stay sober since I first relapsed after two years of sobriety last October. I've relapsed three times in the past year, and been to two rehabs in the last eight months. I find it gets harder every time. I'm really struggling with the loss of my relationship. Especially, since I'm solely responsible for its demise. But I realize that I have to do this for myself if I'm to stay alive and make some sort of happiness and satisfaction of what time I have left in this world. I'm trying to find out who I am and what my purpose is in this life. I firmly believe there is a reason I'm still here. What that is I'm not sure, but I'm gonna fight like Hell to find out why and what for! If you believe in the power of prayer, please say one for me. I need all the help I can get.