Left Unsaid...

            (The following is a letter I will never send to the woman who tore my heart to pieces)

Xxxx,
I'm writing this to get some things out of my head in hopes that I can finally rid myself of your ghost.
Although we are done and our paths will probably never cross, I need to express my feelings about how things ended with you and I.  What I  found out recently has left me wondering what was really going on towards the end.

It's quite clear you replaced me rather quickly. Which in itself was hurtful enough. But then I found out you went back to the guy you had dated before me. You know, the one who was crazy, controlling and not very supportive of you when you were sick in the hospital. Glad to to see you were "learning to take care of yourself" by going back to a situation that you painted as not very pleasant. Honestly I find it quite sad that you are so unhealthy that you'd go back to that guy instead of dealing with what you had walked away from with me on your own. No wonder you hadn't had time to contemplate what had happened! The fact that you would reach out to me after seeing me at work to tell me that it was really hard to see me. Then you went even further by telling me you thought of me and us whenever you looked at your tattoo. All the while you were already back with him. What makes matters worse is that you knew damn well I still had feelings for you and yet you toyed with me for a week until he left me a voicemail asking why I was contacting you when you told me not to. Nice touch on his part using an unidentified number by the way, otherwise I might have called him back and set him straight on why you and I were even communicating in the first place.  Not once did you even attempt to tell me you were back with him. I'm sorry, but that's effed up. I was already moving on when you did this. But then I left myself vulnerable again only for you to shred my heart even more...

When I look back over the chain of events that led up to our demise, I can't help but wonder if you weren't already seeing him before you finally ended things. Which begs the question, was it even mine? You started to become distant long before the "event" happened. I saw less and less of you in the last month we were together. And the last time we made love, it felt like you weren't even there...

I know life hasn't always been fair to you. But that is no excuse for treating people the way you did  me. You're a grown woman, yet you acted like a scared little girl in the end. I just don't understand how you could have told me you loved me one day, then completely shut me out of your life the next. Yes, what you went through was sad and traumatic. (I know it was for me as well) But for you to do what you did to me is beyond the pale.  I'm no saint. I realize I had a big part in all of this. But never in a million years would I ever consider treating someone the way you did. Especially someone who loved me deeply and would do anything for me.

I suppose you went back to him because it was safe. What I mean by that is that is what you are used to. Men who don't really give a damn about you. You once told me you couldn't believe that men like me existed. Maybe that was the problem, you fell in love with an idea of who you thought I was and not who I really am. It seems like as soon as there were cracks appearing in the veneer, the fantasy ended and you ran. I'm not perfect, never claimed to be. But I do know I once loved you with all of my heart and would have done anything for you. But for whatever reason, that wasn't good enough for you. Maybe it's because I didn't fit into your narrative of being a victim. You seem to play that card well...

As I go forward, I'm trying not to let what you did to me sour my hopes of ever finding someone to love. But sadly, I'm afraid I've grown more skeptical of people. I can't help but feel the same way about women as you did about men when we met...  However, there is always hope. It's just gonna take someone special and patient to coax me out of my protective shell.

Regards,
S.