Financial Fear

There are few things that can make or break one's recovery as financial woes, except maybe romance. As the saying goes: Finance and romance are killers!  Yours truly is in a bit of a financial bind, and it's been messing with my emotions and thoughts! I'm not really eager to share this, but I've found from past experience, that holding these sort of things in only leads to me berating myself, and finally picking up a drink to escape the hopelessness and self loathing.

My current challenges stem from my being off from work for three months while I sought treatment. Now, I'm broke and it doesn't feel good... In fact, I'm struggling not to be too hard on myself. I know it won't always be this way, but at times it feels like it. The other thing that is affected from my monetary troubles is how I feel in my relationship with the woman I love. Gratefully, she is very understanding and supportive. But my ego tends to tell me things like: "She thinks your a loser","She's gonna leave you" etc... All of which she has told me is completely untrue, however, I feel very vulnerable right now. Part of this vulnerability stems from the fact that we are struggling to keep our relationship out of the physical realm. It has been suggested by both of our sponsors that more time is needed before we go there. Sound advice for sure, but not easy to abide by. In the past I could have escaped how I felt by being intimate with her, but for now, I'm forced to feel these feelings and sort through my thoughts by sharing them verbally. Not an easy task for this alcoholic!

The funny thing is I'm working Step Three, and it's become quite clear to me that I have trouble having faith that my higher power will take care of me. Even though if I look over my past, I've never been destitute, always had a roof over my head, and food in my belly. (maybe not as much as I'd like) Even when I was an active alcoholic with a very difficult ability to stay employed as a result of it. I've always come through... I guess right now I'm learning the meaning of humility. While at the same time being forced to trust that my higher power's will is just what is going on now. The blessing is that not once has the thought of picking up a drink even occurred to me. And that is progress! I also think that this is a reminder of what I want from sobriety, peace of mind. And that can only happen if I work for it!