Inner Space/Inner Peace

For most of my life I have searched for things that were outside of me to make me feel whole. From an early age I struggled with how I felt about myself. I didn't feel good enough, strong enough, smart enough, attractive enough. So I sought out anything that would quell these feelings of inadequacy. Whether it be within my rich fantasy riddled imagination as a child, or chemicals as a teen and as an adult. None of which ever really worked. Oh yes, there were respites of escape, but then reality eventually would come crashing through the door and leave me feeling hopeless and helpless...

If you've read any of my earlier post, you're well aware that this obsession to not feel and be myself nearly killed me in the end via the bottle. Today that is no longer the case and for that I'm grateful. For the most part, I'm a relatively happy and adjusted human being. But there is one area of my life that still eludes me: the love of a woman. The kindness, understanding, supportive, caring, giving and receiving love of a of a woman. It's one of those things that for what ever reason, I have been incapable of obtaining since I turned my life around nearly two and a half years ago. There was a woman once that was all these things and more, but I drove her away with my desire for self destruction. Not a day goes by that I don't have some thought of her and a bit of regret. But as they say, that ship has sailed...

Some days, I am hopeful for the return of the kind of love I long for. Others, not so much. They say you have to learn to love yourself before you can truly love another. And in my case that was very much true. My self loathing drove me to choose the bottle over that beautiful woman...  I can still vividly remember what she had to say to me the last time we met when I begged her not to give up on me and pleaded my love to her. This is what she had to say: "I only wished you loved yourself as much as you claim you love me." Words that shot right through me. For of course she was right. I didn't love myself at all. And it would be a long time coming before I would begin to make an effort to love myself.

Most days I can say I truly love who I am and I'm able to accept myself faults and all. But occasionally, I backslide a bit. Not really falling into self loathing, but reflection upon the areas of my life that need to be worked on. Sometimes this can be daunting. For I am an imperfect human being that somehow has a notion that I should be perfect. And therein lies the problem. So when I'm rejected, I still struggle with those feelings inferiority. The truth is I'm perfectly imperfect. I know it sounds like new age foo-foo, but its true. Just because I'm not accepted by another, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. The truth is, we all have our own paths to trudge. If I'm to be with someone, it's going to happen. Its nothing I can force or manipulate. Real relationships are organic. They can't be force fed and there is no Miracle Grow to induce their flowering. So today, I make the conscious choice to look inward and see what it is that I need to work on.  Because the truth is, I'll never find that happiness I seek from another, but within myself. And if and when the Universe decides to send someone my way, I'll be ready....