Please Stand Up!

"I stood up for the first time
When I was eleven months old
And ever since that day, my mama said
I never done what I was told
I never stood for nothing too much
All through my schooling years
But I stood as much as I can stand
And I guess that's why I'm still standing here"-Stood Up/John Hiatt


The lyrics above have a special meaning to me. You see, they sum up my life quite easily. I've always done what I wanted to do, no matter what anyone told me. I always felt like I had all the answers. You couldn't tell me what to do. Always thinking, "Don't you know who I am?"  Well, that way of doing things hasn't exactly been a success...

In Alcoholics Anonymous they have a saying that says, "My best thinking got me a seat in these rooms."Oh and how true that is in my case! My best thinking has led to untold misery, isolation and a feeling apart from the rest of the human race.  I always thought I knew what was best for me, you and the rest of those people out there. How presumptuous of me! The truth is I don't even know what's best for myself, let alone anybody else.

Things are slowly changing. I finally realized in this 46th year of my life on the Third Rock, that I need other people. Not to get something from, but to share in this wonderful experience called LIFE. I also realized that I needed to turn my life and my will over to God. That's OK if you don't believe in a God.
Lord knows I didn't for a very long time. But unlike many people, I need to have a belief in something greater than myself. The reason? I have a HUGE ego, one that needs to be deflated on a regular basis.
As I've stated, I obviously don't know what I don't know. And that adds up to a lot!

The last line in the lyrics above seem to encapsulate where I've been. I stood as much misery and fear as I could take. I couldn't go on the way I was, it was a death sentence... And no, I'm not being overly dramatic. I was slowly killing my body and soul. I feel grateful to be alive, grateful to have another opportunity at getting things right, well, as right as I can humanly do so. I expect to make mistakes. Something I was quite intolerant of, in both you and especially me!  I found out the real definition of the word Perfectionist. It's not doing something perfectly all the time, it's not doing something out of fear that I'll screw it up, thus leaving me to question: Why bother?  Today I'm more gentle with myself. And in turn, I'm more accepting and tolerant of others.

So today I'm standing up. But not alone, and not by my own devices!