I just can't wrap my head around how someone could on one day say they love you and want you to be in their life, then less than a week later break your heart as if love never existed. My intellect understands at some level why she did what she did. But my heart doesn't. Perhaps my ego is getting the better of me. I don't know...
What once promised to be a fruitful and loving relationship ended in shambles in an instant. Leaving me to pick up the pieces and wonder why it all happened in the first place. Then to add insult to injury, she moved on to another man as if I never happened. I know this has little to do with me. But it still hurts. I'm struggling with the idea that someone could actually toy with someone's emotions as she did and not feel anything at all.
When she contacted me to tell me it was troublesome to see me and it brought up feelings, I thought perhaps she was unsure of her knee-jerk action of breaking things off. But then to find out she had a boyfriend all the while, knowing full well that I still had feelings for her and was willing to have a conversation about mending things and not telling me straight up is nearly unforgivable. Especially when I found out by him calling me... How cowardly is that? I just don't get it... What kind of person could do this?
I really am disappointed in her. Goddamned angry at her if I'm honest. I let her play me as a fool and that's where my ego comes in. But there's the side of me that finds pity for her. She's probably never had anyone love her and be willing to do almost anything to be with her. I know that deep down in her heart she loved me. I don't doubt that. Its just that she didn't know how to accept what I had to offer. Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint. I had my part in all of this. But I can't begin to imagine that I could ever be so cruel...
I continue to pray for the willingness to find forgiveness for her. And at times I feel it. But it's times like now that I just want to lash out. If she were here now, she'd hear about how badly she hurt me. And that what she did was completely unfair. But that'll never happen. So I'm left with these unresolved feelings of anger and sadness. It's so frustrating!
I wonder if she even thinks about me. If she questions her decision. If she's happier now. Part of me hopes she gets her heart stomped on. But, then I realize it won't matter, because I won't be there to see it. But I honestly hope that one day she realizes what she had in me and regrets what she's done. If the law of Karma holds true, then perhaps I'm paying my debt to the girl who's heart I broke when I couldn't stay sober. But if this is so, then maybe she'll have her debt to pay as well.
It's fucked up that we live in a world that is so cold sometimes. But no one ever said life was easy. All I know is I just sleep. I just want one day where I don't think of her. Hopefully that day will come sooner rather than later. I do know it'll be easier after next Wednesday when I walk out of the door of my current place of employment for good, as it was where we met. Chances are I'll never see her again after I leave there. And it'll be a fresh start when I move on to bigger and better things. Things that probably would never happened if she and I where still together. But at this moment, that doesn't bring me solace... So I write to clear my head. It brings me some perspective on the reality of it all. I'll end with this... Sage advice I need to put into action...
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