The next morning she called me from work saying that she had fun but was tired since she stayed out later than she had planned. The tone of our conversation had returned to the familiar jovial and friendly type I had become accustomed to. We spoke of plans of seeing each other that night before I hung up. Everything seemed to be resetting itself. So I enjoyed my Saturday with some friends my housemates had over at the house by the pool. That afternoon she called me telling me she was tired and really just wanted to go home. I asked her if she still wanted to go shopping together for Easter baskets for her kids and she said yes, but that she was probably going right home afterward. I couldn't contain my disappointment with this and she heard it in my voice...
Upon her arrival at my house, I could see she was visibly angry. But, I did my best not to acknowledge it. As we drove to the store I asked about her evening out and she was very curt in her reply. I then asked her why she was acting the way she was and she unleashed a mountain of fury on me. She said that she felt like I didn't care about how she felt and that all I cared about was how I felt. This made me snap and I lost my temper and yelled at her. I told her that I it seemed as if the longer we were together the less time we spent together and it felt like she didn't really want to be in the relationship with me anymore. She replied that she wasn't so sure she wanted to be anymore. It was a tit for tat argument that finally ended in her demanding that take her back to her car. I obliged her and when we arrived at my house she stormed out of my car heading straight for hers. I followed her and tried to apologize for losing my temper, but she refused to listen. She looked at me and said "I'll talk to you later'" while giving me a look that still haunts me to this day. I didn't know it at the time, but that would be the last time I would ever speak to her face to face...
As I cooled off and thought about what had happened, I realized that I had been selfish. That perhaps I had been to demanding and wasn't giving her the space she needed after such a traumatic event. I now realize that I was so afraid of losing her that I had tried to pull her closer to me. This in affect pushed her away...The days leading up to the abortion, I read a lot of stories on the internet about how this critical event tended to destroy relationships. So naturally, I acted out of fear and I'm sure that it had a negative effect of her perception of me as a man. Later that night I sent her a text apologizing for my behavior and acknowledge that I had in fact been selfish and that I was truly sorry for it. She didn't reply... The next day was Easter Sunday and I picked up an extra shift to get some overtime. Again I texted her apologizing and asking her for her forgiveness. She finally returned my text saying she forgave me and wished me a Happy Easter. The next day I again texted her wishing her a good day and letting her know that I was thinking of her. She replied that if she didn't answer my text, it was because her phone service was possibly being cut off. Again, I offered to help, but she didn't reply.
After following the suggestion of some people I trust, I stopped contacting her for a couple of days trying to give her some space. Then on Wednesday, she texted me saying she was spending time with her mother who was in town, but that we should probably get together to talk. I responded that she just needed to let me know when. She didn't answer. I had the day off from work because my boss is amazing and told me to take some time off. So I sat down and wrote her a letter pouring my heart out telling her how much I loved her and then drove to her house and left her roses and the letter upon her doorstep. I spent the rest of the day in agony, not knowing what might happen next. That night I went to bed early with plans to go to the gym before work next day.
The next morning I awoke at 4:30 AM to go to the gym. It had been a fistful night of rest so when I looked at my phone with leery eyes I saw something that shocked me. There it was, a text from her saying that she didn't want to continue the relationship and that she was unhappy etc... She had sent it at 2:00AM while I had been asleep. I was so angry at this! I couldn't believe that after what we had gone through the week before she would dump me in such a insensitive and cowerdly manner. I responded poorly and fired off an angry text calling her a girl instead of a woman for breaking up with me via text. I then posted a short sided Facebook status about what had just happened, calling her an emotional cripple. In hind sight it wasn't a good idea. Yet in a way it was helpful as it garnered me much support. I later made an edit of the post after I realized the cruelty in it, and that was not who I wanted to be. I then went gym and lifted with fury. I was in a daze. I felt numb to the core. When I arrived at work I was so stunned I could hardly speak. I spoke with a few friends and my boss and left work early to try to get some sleep as I hadn't slept for no more than two hours a night the previous four nights. This was an exercise in futility and I found myself burning all of the things she ever gave me in the outdoor fire pit. The next day I received a text from her asking to come get a few items she had left at my house. Again I responded in a not so graceful way. Telling her that she had some nerve to ask to come get her things from me in person after she hadn't shown me the courtesy of telling me wanted to end things in person. I told her I would send her things with a driver at work on Monday. I ended up regretting this as anyone knows, second guessing had me thinking I cold have talked to her and made things right... But I was stubborn and prideful.
A week went by and I started to feel remorse for being so hasty and not trying to talk things out with her. So I sent her some roses with a note saying that I missed her and that I wished things weren't the way they were. A week went by and I heard nothing from her. Then I awoke to an email from her thanking me for the flowers and the note. Saying both were beautiful, but she didn't know what to say since things had ended so ugly. I responded that I only wished to talk to her and find out why she had broke things of in such an ill manner. She said she would try to figure something out. Again, thinking I might have a shot at trying to repair things, I sent her another bouquet of flowers. This time she responded saying that while she appreciated the flowers, she really wanted me to stop doing so and that we could meet the next day to talk. Then the next day arrived and she cancelled on me saying her kid was sick and that she couldn't meet.
The following week I tried one more attempt to reach out to her. I wrote her a long letter telling her how much I missed her and how sad I was, professing my love. But this time I told her it would be the last time I would attempt to reconcile things. I enclosed a check for the amount the procedure cost and mailed it off to her. A couple of weeks went by without a response. Again she emailed me saying that she had to cash the check and that she really didn't want to but would pay me back. She then said that what we had was real but with no explanation as to why, said that two people who are close can become strangers without betrayal or any major event. I responded that I didn't want any money from her and I wished her well...
Some time passed and then one day I saw her face to face at work, it was heartbreaking... My heart felt like it sank into the pit of my stomach. I immediately went into the bathroom at work and got on my knees asking for help from God to get through it. A week later on second occasion of being her it was much easier and I felt much better about it, thinking I had turned the corner, I went about my day. That afternoon, she emailed me saying that she didn't know what to say, but that it sucked seeing me that day and that she was very sorry for how she had ended things and that it was her fault. That when she saw me it made her feel "some type of way" I hesitated to respond, but eventually I did telling her that it wasn't easy for me either. I asked her what she felt and she responded that she thought of me when ever she looked at the tattoo she got with me. (We went to get tattoos on Friday the 13th together) That it reminded her of me and us. It seemed as if she was second guessing her decision. I sent her a lYoutube link of a song by Death Cab for Cutie called Trasatlanticism. She responded saying she had heard the song many times, but had never paid attention to the lyrics ending it with a sad face Emoticon. I responded, telling her that it made me cry whenever I heard it. She then responded asking if it was in general or because of us. I had never heard it until after we broke up so the obvious answer was us. In my sick and twisted head, I had thoughts of rekindling our relationship. So the next night I contacted her via text asking her to call me since it seemed as if she was having second thoughts about us. She said she would when her mother left. Then I didn't hear from her... I texted her again the next morning asking her why she hadn't called. She apologized saying she fell asleep and that she would call me later that night. Later that I evening I contacted her to tell her I would be in a meeting and that if she wanted to get in touch after that would be a good time. She responded saying she hadn't forgotten, that she had company over. Of course my suspicion of her having a man over popped into my head immediately. upon reading the word company.. But, I pushed it out of my head. Again, she didn't call...
The next day I emailed her saying that if she had no intention of calling me she should just say so. She responded apologetically saying that it wasn't the case and that she had no excuse for not contacting me. That we should meet after she got off of work the next day. As the previous time, this didn't happen and she texted me at 6:30 PM saying she had just got off work and that she couldn't meet since she had to pick up her kids. I was disappointed, but I understood the reason and accepted it for what it was. Still holding out hope that we might be able to fix things.
That evening a large group of my friends gathered to celebrate a couple of the guys one year anniversaries. I was out late and I was near her apartment so again I thought it might be nice to stop by her house and put a rose on her car letting her know that I was thinking of her. All the while hoping it might spark something in her. It did, but not what I expected... The next morning I awoke to a nasty voicemail from her telling me that she didn't want me to send her flowers or to stop by her house ever again. I responded in an angry text telling her that she didn't need to worry about that because I was done dealing with her jerking me around. I reminded her that she was the one who initiated the conversation and that I had been perfectly fine with things until she told me how she thought about us and was having hard time dealing with it. I told her that from then on she needed to deal with her feelings of un-comfortability when she saw me and to never contact me in any manner again.
I went back to sleep and remained there until around noon. When I awoke there was a voicemail from an unidentified number. Thinking it might be her calling fro a work phone I proceeded to listen to it. Boy was I in for a surprise! Instead it was some guy claiming to be her boyfriend and that she had told him that I had been contacting her when she had asked me not to and that he wanted to know what that was about. (Nice touch using a blocked number by the way coward, I would have called him back and told him exactly what was going on) I was furious! So much so, I did something I haven't done in a long time and I punched a hole in the wall of my bedroom. I couldn't believe that within a month's time of our breakup, she had already replaced me and especially after what we had been through. I sent her an email knowing she would get it, (thinking she had probably already blocked my number) telling her that I couldn't believe she had already replaced me and yet she didn't have the guts to tell me herself, but had him call me instead. I once again reminded her that she was the one who reached out to me telling me that she still thought of me. I told her I thought she was an awful person and that I never wanted to hear from her again PERIOD.
I've had sometime to reflect upon how this whole thing played out. And I still harbor a lot of anger towards her. But I realize I should have never contacted her or responded to her in the first place. That is where I went wrong. The good news is that I finally got the closure I so desired, granted it wasn't how I wanted it, but it was closure none the less... I still can't believe that the woman I thought I knew and loved could be so manipulative and insensitive. It only demonstrated to me that I need to be more aware of the signs and not to ignore them. When I think back, I saw her true personality pop up from time to time, but I shrugged it off because it didn't fit the image of who I made her out to be. She could be very nasty to people and I saw it on more than one occasion. If anything, I should have listened to my intuition early on and not let myself get emotionally attached. I should have run the other way. She has had a rough life and I know that she wasn't equipped emotionally for what we went through. Nor do I think she really understands what love is supposed to mean. I would have fought tooth and nail to save what was un-salvagable. That is my own shit. I'm well aware of it now. My need to feel the love of a woman is so great that I make choices that aren't in my best interest. I believe the word is co-dependent... Regardless, I wouldn't ever leave someone when the chips are down. I'm happy to say that I won't let this stop me from finding the right one. I'm just going to be a lot more aware of things the next time. I'm just now getting back into the dating scene and I honestly don't enjoy it. But, I'd rather be alone and at peace then to be in the same situation I was in with her. I know I have a lot of work to do on my end. I've been trying hard to find forgiveness for her and I pray for her happiness, even though most times I don't want to. But I know that forgiving her is about me not her. It's just going to take some time. But with each passing day the sting gets a little less acute and I find myself feeling more free.
I know I had my part in all of this. And I'll own up to every bit of it. But I find that writing can be very therapeutic. As of this time I await news of a new career opportunity that would take me from ever having to see her again. I'm hopeful it'll happen. I haven't seen her since the last time. I suspect she's trying her best to not come to where I work. If I do, I pray I handle it gracefully. I'll keep you posted on both developments... Thanks for reading.
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